Blue

Blue in the face, I keep going. I keep speaking. I never stop, though you tell me to. I fear that if I do, you will forget. I need this knowledge at the forefront of your mind. I need you aware at all times.

I'm here. Always.

Please don't forget.

Revisited

I'm here.

I love you.

I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death I will protect you still. I am stronger than depression and I am brave than loneliness.

And nothing will ever exhaust me.

Beholden

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

When I behold you, my darling, all I see is beauty.

Memory

I forgot how right everything becomes when you're sitting next to me. When you smile at me, everything is made better. When you touch me, all my problems melt. And when you kiss my cheek, I can't help but smile for a week.

When my best friend is sitting next to me.

Pumpkin Pie

It forms. Slowly at first, but its speed builds. The wind swirls, gaining in ferocity as its speed continues to rise. It races down to the ground, sweeping over hills and pains. It bursts past homes and buildings, whipping wildly through trees and lifting helpless leaves high into the air. It rounds the smokestack of a factory before hitting the open water. With nothing to slow it's pace, its intensity rages full, it pushes on toward the helpless couple on the water's edge.

Wind whipping around us as we walk, I stop you and reach toward your face. Fingers clothed in winter gloves, I awkwardly pull the stray hairs from your lips. Walking along the lake this cold December day, the overcast skies and dead plants can't detract from the beauty in my vision. But not a fraction of that beauty comes from the natural scenery surrounding me. It's standing in front of me, practically choking on her hair that the wild winter wind stuck to her lip gloss.

Finally, her lips from vagrant hair, we continue our stroll along the lake. My effort quickly proves useless as the unyielding wind continues it's assault and forces more hair to her lips. But despite frequent stops to correct her errant strands, we enjoy our walk, the first in far too long.

Nearly back to our car but not yet ready to leave, we find respite under a nearby gazebo. You are so beautiful. I know I shouldn't think that, but I am only human. How can I deny what is in front of me?

I step toward you and reach my arms around you. Bundled against the cold in bulky jackets and gloves, it is an awkward hug but it is a godsend. I haven't been able to just hold you in so long. The sight of your pain-filled eyes flashes in my head and I squeeze you even tighter. If you hadn't pulled away we'd probably still be standing there, holding each other in our awkward, meaningful embrace.

But this is reality. You pull away and we walk back to the car, your arm once again in mine. Then it occurs to me. You lied to me. You said you wouldn't get me a Christmas present and yet, here you are, giving me the best gift a guy could ever ask for.

Merry Christmas my Pumpkin Pie

Fiver

You raised your hand to give me a high five. All because you're proud of me. I actually did something to make someone proud. That is a moment worth remembering.

Thank you for such amazing support.

The Past

I wonder, how will you remember me? Will you remember the happy-go-lucky guy you met back in April? Will you remember the sad, pathetic guy who yearned for your affection? Will you remember the frustrated, miserable guy who just wanted a friend?

Or will you remember me? The guy who put you first over everyone. The guy who treated your wish as a command. The guy you laughed your guts out with almost every day. The guy who could somehow blow your mind with a 9 or by cleaning your glasses. The guy who was always there, day or night, rain or shine. The guy who had nothing but love and kind words for you no matter how you treated him.

Who will you remember?

I will remember you. The girl who made me step outside my comfort zone and experience a little bit of life with her. The girl who would always make time, no matter the tasks on her plate. The girl who knew best and made sure I benefited from it. The girl who was lonely and just wanted her friend there to talk to.

That's who I will remember.

But there are two images stuck in my head of the girl I love so dearly.

I remember her in her yellow top, walking up to me at work, my heart pounding at the sight of her.

I remember her jumping out of her car, completely exited to see me, yelling "Happy birthday!!" and leaping into my arms.

You criticize me for living in the past, but my darling, the past is all I have left of you.

Dinner

You did that? For me?

It was the tiniest of gestures, so miniscule I doubt you even noticed. But I did. I almost had to do a double take.

I didn't ask you for it but you did it because you wanted to. That's what really floored me.

On a day like any other, you came and said goodbye. The smallest of gestures.

You made my day.

You

My life is empty. My days are lonely. You are gone. I am still here.

Please come back.

E.L.

Remember that spot where we would go biking or take a blanket to lie on the grass and watch the clouds? I'll be there. Every chance I get, every free moment I find, I will be there, waiting for you. No matter the time spent or the gas burned, it's all worth it to wait for you.

So if you ever want to talk, if you ever want a friend to hold you when you're down, come by that spot. I'll be there. Waiting for you.

Zippity

I walk.

My mind drifts. Cars speed past as I walk. I barely notice. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. Houses come and go as I walk. My feet begin to ache. I trudge on. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel pain. So I force it out. I refuse to feel. My brain stops accepting signals from my body. I just walk.

I arrive.

Finally. I step inside and simply stop.  Without the distraction of putting one foot in front of the other, the pain floods in. My body, weary and broken, is ready to collapse. Then, before my legs have a chance to give out, my phone rings. Your face fills the screen. I answer.

"Hello?"

The rest... Well, the rest doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's filled with you. It doesn't matter what we did our where we went or what happened while we were there. You were there with me. What else could possibly matter? The world's most incredible woman is sitting next to me and she's my friend.

Yeah. Be jealous.

Left

One word. That's all it takes. To lift spirits or crush them, you just need to know the right word.

Somehow, you always say the right words.

None

The darkness hides the clouds overhead. Snowflakes fall from from the darkness onto the silent street. Rows of houses line either side, lawns and roofs decorated in bright lights and colourful characters. It's a happy sight.

I'm standing in the snow, my jacket a poor shield against the cold. I stare into the house, the light streaming from the window illuminates my face.

Happiness is what I see inside. A family sitting down to Christmas dinner, each member simply happy to be together. Equal warmth radiates from fireplace and familial hearts. Even the coldest heart would warm at the sight.

But that warmth can't escape the confines of the window. No matter how hard I stare, no matter how long, I still feel nothing but winter's cold embrace.

It is a metaphor. It is my life. My life has always been, and always will be, me standing outside looking in. I will always be the one longing for happiness as I watch others find happiness in one another.

I don't need a family for warmth of heart or a fire for warmth of body. I need one person. One person who will stand outside that window with me. One person who will brave the cold to be with me. One who will hold me to share my warmth as I share hers. One who will find my frigid lips more inviting than a blazing fireplace. I just need her. I just need one.

But there exists none for me.

Oh Yeah!

I walk into the lunch room and look to my right. There you are. From behind the receiving desk I look towards the store front. There you are. I feel the keys in my pocket. You. The lip balm on my lips. You. The origami heart in my wallet. You.

Each of these and dozens, no, hundreds more are each tied to a memory of you. Who would I be without those memories? Without those little pieces of you?

I'm surrounded by little pieces of happiness.

Silence

Sometimes, though I try so hard, I really have no words to speak.

You're beautiful. I love you.

Most Perfect

Did you know that I'm a very shallow guy? That's right. I find imperfections and I chose whether or not to pursue that girl based on them. Too fat, too tall, too whatever, that's what I do. It's horrible, I know, but I do it.

So, why do you think I started talking to you? Why do you think I asked for your number? Was it because you had an amazing personality? How could it be? I didn't know you! Was it because of your intelligence? Same answer. Was it because you impress me with your work? Back then I was under the impression that you weren't that good.

No, it wasn't any of those things. I started talking to you because I was pursuing a pretty girl. Not one too fat. Not one too tall. A very pretty, sexy, beautiful girl. I have a soft spot for pretty girls and you instantly made the top of that list.

I don't remember the first time I saw you but when I think back as early as I can remember, I remember you walking in, all bundled up against the cold. You were so beautiful in your black jacket and your scarf wrapped snugly around your neck. We chatted for a while before you had to get to work. I don't remember a thing we talked about but man, I must have made a huge fool of myself. All I remember thinking is, "Damn this girl is hot!" I don't know how I could have held an intelligent conversation staring at you the whole time. How I do it now is a mystery!

You call yourself fat and ugly. Aside from how insulting you're being to yourself, think about what you're saying about me! Are you saying that my standards are low? That I like fat, ugly girls? That's insulting! I have unreasonably high standards. Standards that you surpassed higher than anyone ever has. Higher than my first girlfriend, higher than that girl I was stuck on for a few years, higher than the girl I had a summer romance with. Your beauty makes them look like cave trolls. I look at them now and wonder what I ever saw in them.

You are beautiful, my pumpkin. More beautiful than I ever imagined anyone could be. Every time I see you I long to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. I want to hold you and never let go, my beautiful angel.

You are perfect just the way you are.