Ummm...

Who's going to clean your glasses?

Day 3

Work. Pretty much it. Got to know a new friend a bit better. She's pretty awesome and really talented. After work I just went home, listened to music and then went to bed. Blah day overall.

Oh. And I missed you today. A lot. I cried. The pain won't go away. All I can do is ignore it but I can't do that forever. The pain is catching up and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I love you.

Appropriate

Quote of the day from Men in Black:

J: It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

K: You try it.

Day 2

Awesome day! I got to meet and work with two amazing people at my job today. We had a lot of fun! And despite taking the bus home and being exhausted, I had s room of energy!

Then I took my little sister to her first ball game ever and we sat in the second row just behind third base. I'm glad my tickets didn't go to waste and I was still able to surprise someone and make their day!

Now I gotta had off to bed. Work starts at nine tomorrow morning. It may be a frustrating day but I look forward to it! Keeping busy and occupied is my number one priority! I can't let this life beat me down. I'm beat down quite enough already.

Day 1

Managed to not kill myself yesterday. I randomly got to see a few friends I haven't seen in a while. That was so great. My friends who know what's going on are being so supportive, even to a bit of a fault. They are so amazing and I don't deserve them.

On to day two. This will likely be less filled with friends so it will likely be that much harder. Well, here's to happiness, yours and mine. Despite everything that's happened, despite everything my friends tell me, I still care about you and I still love you and I still want you to be happy.

Smile and be happy.

One day you’ll want him again, but he wont be there. One day you’re going to want that boy. The boy that knew he wasn’t perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. That boy who still can’t bring himself to hate you even though at times you probably deserved it. That boy who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else has ever appreciated. The boy who realizes he may never have your heart again but will carry the image of you with him forever. The boy that sees this and still loves you. The boy that waited and waited for you to change your mind. The boy who finally gave up; just like you told him too. The boy that should have you, but doesn’t even think he deserves you.

I think tonight's a good night to look for a bridge to jump off of.

Major

With every step forward comes at least two steps back. Maybe three or four this time.

Man did I fuck up.

Like Like

"I'm nothing without you" is a fucked up sentiment.

And yet...

That's exactly how I feel.

Not So

It's been a while since I sang my voice out like I did today. Driving aimlessly in the cool of the afternoon, you were stuck square in the centre of my mind. I didn't want to pester you endlessly, so I decided to sing. I sang to you. Words from my heart, I sent them your way. Words sung until my throat dry, my voice hoarse. And I imagined you singing with me. Singing the same words back to me. Foolish, I know. But a guy can dream, can't he?

Oh how this guy can dream.

I'm Just Saying

It's fine by me if you never leave.

Engrave

Wow. I can't... Just... Wow.

I couldn't have imagined anything better.

I'm speechless.

Thank you.

Finally

You did it. You finally did it. I hoped and prayed that you would do it and you finally did. It's such a small thing really, but it was always there, in the back of my mind.

Every time you walked towards me to hug me, my inner dialogue kicked in. "Is this it? Is she finally going to do it?" Today was no different. I walked away from my house and towards your car. You saw me and got out, a huge smile on your face. You ran towards me. My heart pounded in my chest. You jumped. I caught you. Held you.

Call me a nerd, call me a doofus, call me anything. That one moment, that one action, made my week. No. My month. You jumped to hug me and I caught you and held you. It felt like real magic. It felt like real happiness.

I say it all the time but you really proved me right this time. You really are the best.

Cannot

Sitting across from me, your face is illuminated by you phone as your fingers type away furiously. I can't take my eyes off you. A small smile slowly creeps it's way onto your face as you read the ongoing conversation. That smile is mirrored on my own face. This is bliss. I could sit here watching you forever. Your elegance and beauty are beyond words.

Finally, you look up. That smile finally breaks free completely.

"What?", you ask.

"Nothing", I lie. My own smile widening in tandem. You know damn well what. I love that you pretend not to. You love the attention and I love giving it. That could be good or bad, depending on who you ask.

We continue our meal and conversation, but this exact scenario repeats itself about five or six times. Even when we're hanging out in the car before you have to leave. You stare off I to space but I couldn't drag my eyes from you if I tried. You are so beautiful.

I just cannot keep my eyes off you.

Extremes

You have no idea what you do to me.

Best

A friend once told me that I deserve better than you. True or not, it makes no difference. There is no one better.

Probably Not

A realisation. I have come to realise that all the fake smiles and forced laughter is starting to wear me down. I am no longer happy. Sorrow creeps through the cracks of my too often broken heart and drips down into my soul. Tears too often shed come so easily now. My days are filled with utter sadness and my nights with crushing loneliness. Is there no end to this misery? No cure?

You push me away. You pretend like everything is like it once was, but I see through the veil of your smile. You pretend like I never meant anything to you. Like I never caused uncontrollable smiles to crease your face for entire days at a time. Like you never said to me, "I'm glad you came". Like nothing I did mattered.

I don't know what to do. I've done everything I can to show you what you mean to me and I'll keep trying. And no matter what happens, I will always want you in my life. That's a near unconditional promise. But maybe this is one of those "you don't know what you until it's gone" kind of situations. If/when you cut me out, maybe you'll realise what you lost.

Maybe.

Though you may not be anymore, I am still glad you came, you still take the breath right out of me, and it's still fine by me if you never leave.

Everything Ever

Sometimes I ask myself the strangest questions. "What would I do if I had an accident and lost an arm?" "How different would I be if I were another ethnicity?" "What would the world be like if dinosaurs still existed?"

These are just some of the more obnoxious examples of the questions I ask myself occasionally. But sometimes, as crazy as the question may be, it originated out of hope. And the question I'm about to reveal is one of those. One spawned by hope.

"What would I give up to be with you?"

Hmm. That's an interesting question. I thought about it for a bit but then the answer just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Anything. Everything. There's not one item I own that I wouldn't give up for you. There's not a friend on earth I wouldn't leave to be with you. There's not a home I wouldn't abandon to be with you.

I'm sorry of you don't want to hear that, but it's the simple truth.

Prison

I'm trapped inside my mind. I can't escape. I'm stuck in here with my thoughts. Pain and sadness. Sorrow and despair. I'm surrounded by it. Soaked in it. I need out. I need to escape.
God help me, I need out.