The Challenge

"You're right next to me. I wouldn't even have to extend my arm to touch you, you're so close. But I can't. Here, in this place, we can't be seen doing anything affectionate. I can't touch your back, caress your arm, kiss your cheek.

But you are right next to me. The desire to touch you, feel you, hold you, it is ever present and strong as ever. To be this close to you but not be able to make the slightest touch? It is maddening. There are a few moments where I catch myself halfway to reaching for you, almost to late to stop. Agony."

I wrote that a few weeks ago, when I went to a carnival with her, but it seems I forgot about it. In memory of that wonderful day, here it is.

Hours

When I close my eyes, I see you. When I sit in silence, I hear you. When the wind blows against my skin, I feel you. For seemingly no reason at all, I can almost always smell you.

But what I really want is to open my eyes and see you. I want to hear you whisper in my ear. Feel the warmth of your touch. I want your scent to never leave my lungs.

So if I could have just one wish, I would wish for you to be lying here next to me.

Isn't She Lovely

You're like the song stuck in my head that won't leave my mind no matter what I do. The one difference is that I like it when you're there.

Hey Journal

Journal entry for August 20, 2012.

Hey Journal,

I gotta tell you about this girl. She came into my world and blew me away. Almost literally. When I first started seeing her around work, it was amazing. She was so beautiful. Her face, her body, her hair. She had the whole package going on. Then I actually started talking to her here and there. Her voice was so sweet. Her laugh was like music. Her eyes were stunning. And then I got her number and we started really talking. That's when my mind exploded. She was so smart and funny and witty and intelligent! And she listened to me! And remembered what I said! No one ever did that!

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We got closer and closer until one day, she finally kissed me. My first kiss, to be precise. What an incredible girl! And she actually liked me! I was blown away. Every day that I got to see her smile was a good day.

Since then, things have changed a little. We've had many ups and downs, typically quite large in both directions. The downs were terrible and the highs were incredible.

But here's the real funny thing about her and me. These highs and lows just brought us closer together. It wasn't until after the fights and the arguments that we started to laugh. Laugh so hard that it was hard to breathe. And we could even talk about the bad shit that had happened and laugh about that too! Somehow, the problems we had made our relationship, whatever it was, stronger. And it made my love for her even stronger. Before you ask, no, I don't think it's a romantic love. Not yet. But I do love her. More than most.

I don't know what the future holds for the two of us. Whether we'll be together or apart, stay close or hate each other's guts. But I know one thing. The love I have for her won't go away. Not ever. It's too strong to dwindle.

She blows my mind and rocks my world. (Yes, I know that's horribly cheesy but I don't care.)

Perfect

You may not be perfect, but you're perfect for me. Absolutely perfect. And everything we've gone through? Well, you are worth it. That and a whole lot more. There is nothing I will not do for you.

How

How is it that when I see your smile it's like the first time I ever laid eyes on you? How is it that when I hear you laugh, it's like the first time I ever heard your voice? How is it that you are becoming more and more beautiful in front of my eyes? How is it that you still cause my heart to leap in my chest? How is it that you keep blowing my mind after all this time? How is it that you are this amazing?

Leader

I can't wait for you to come back. Maybe I'll get to talk to you. Then you can do what you always do.

Say exactly what I need to hear.

You'll spell things out in a way I never saw before. You'll make sense of a senseless situation. You'll bring order to my chaos. You will bring tears of shame to my eyes for how I have failed. You'll hug me and make the pain go away. You'll support me in every way you can.

I have never missed you so much in my life.

Hurry back. I need you.

Smiles

Your eyes. They pierce me. They look through my eyes and into my heart, into my soul. You look at me and I pour myself into your hands. I see the tears in your eyes through the tears in mine. The hope doesn't dwindle. A smile breaks through to your lips. The sun rises and dries the tears on your cheeks. I smile back. Thunder rolls in the distance. We smile on. The clouds draw closer. Still we smile. Rain drops. Smiles. You turn around. My gaze does not drop from you. The storm darkens the sun. Tears form again in your eyes. With tears in my eyes, I smile on. Strength eludes me. My smile fades. You turn away again. The sun comes out.

There's always a smile in my heart. I suspect in yours too.

Sunshine

Good morning.

How did you sleep?

I'm sorry.

Blurred Vision

Here's a song from my childhood that fits me quite well today.

Shouldn't Be Surprised

I forgot what it feels like when someone cares about you and cares for you. Then you came along. You really care, don't you? You care enough to go out of your way for me. You care enough to help me. You even care enough to get mad at me when I don't seem to care. I can't put it into words what that feels like. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for all that you do.
For all that you are.

Butterfly

What does it mean when your heart breaks for someone? When they hurt? What does it mean when you are sad because someone else is sad? When they feel pain?

And what does it mean when it makes you happy that they are happy? That they feel good? What does it mean when your own hurt feelings get forgotten because someone else is on top of the world?

I think that's called love. I think that's real love. Not infatuation. Not obsession. Real, down-to-earth love. I think that's as pure as it comes.

That's what I feel for you.

The. Most. Beautiful.

Sometimes I wonder... The things I say. Do they still mean to you what they meant to you two months ago? Do they still have the same effect? Or do they just roll off your back? Do they go in one ear and right out the other?

I suppose I can't blame you if that's the case. Between my "sorries" and the fact that I say the same things over and over, I can understand if they start to lose their meaning.

But I need you to know something. When I tell you how beautiful you are or how amazing you look, I've never been more sincere. You need to understand that you really are the most beautiful. Period.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Summer. The time of year every guy gets excited for. Why? The summer brings heat. And in that heat, the ladies wear less and less clothing.

Everywhere you look, there's a half naked woman walking down the sidewalk or waiting for the bus. Eye candy everywhere. And every one of them sexy as can be. But this summer I've noticed something different.

When I see these girls walking around for everyone to see, attractive as they are, all I can think about is you. About how much more beautiful you are. They really have nothing on you.

Your beauty is so much more than physical. Your mind makes you sexy. Your humour makes you tempting. Your intelligence makes you irresistible.

But I cannot count out your physical beauty. Your eyes, your lips, your breasts, your hips. There's not an inch of you that isn't the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And unlike these girls who show nearly everything, you don't have to show anything to far surpass any beauty they may have. I would choose you in Arctic expedition gear over any size zero girl in a bikini.

Is this my most eloquent writing? Not by a long shot. But I don't care. The more I think about you, the more I want to shout at the top of my lungs about how beautiful you are.

This post is megaphone.

Did I Wake You?

Just when I think you've run out of surprises, you go and call me out of the blue. How are you still blowing my mind?