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I said a lot of things. Really dumb things. Things that weren't true.

Why'd I say them, then? Damn it, I wish I knew. I have no excuses.

I could give you my reasons but I doubt you want to hear them and frankly, neither do I. I'm tired of having my reasons.

So all I can say is that I'm sorry. It's just a word and it means next to nothing but I have nothing else to offer.

If you're done with me, I understand. If this were the first time, maybe I could argue, but I've walked these steps before.

I'm sorry.

Just You

Another too-late night before another early morning. Barely dragging myself out of bed, I got ready in silence. Sometimes I get lost in the grind, lost in the sheer repetitiveness. I swith to automatic, just moving through the motions, none of it really making any impact on awareness. Out the door, onto the sidewalk, stop at the light. All of it sliding off deep thought.

Are you going to be here today? Will I get to see you? Talk to you? That's all I want, isn't it?

I walk forward as the light turns green. The bright sunlight of morning flashes in my eyes as I walk beneath the shadow of a tree. It makes me blink, and I'm back to reality. I realise the song playing in my headphones is terrible and I skip to the next.

How did I ever like that song?

Finally, I arrive at my destination. Right away I get to work, setting up before everyone arrives. I left later than I wanted to so people start showing up before I'm finished. I say a few hellos and share a few smiles but none of these people are who I'm looking for. It's always you. No matter the state of our friendship at the time, I'm always waiting to see you.

And that's when you walk in. No beam of sunlight on you or angelic choir announcing your entrance as there seem to be in my memories of you. Just you. You couldn't be more beautiful.

Your black hair matches your dark skin perfectly, falling to either side of your face and down your back, just below your shoulders. Even as you greet people with your warm smile, your sharp, brown eyes remain as striking as ever. You're wearing a black tank top underneath a low-cut, white lace top and black dress pants that flare out at the foot. I manage to drag my eyes up but too late. You pass me before I have a chance to say hello. Disappointment and sadness scratch at my heart.

Sigh... You can say hi later. You have work to do.

I finish setting up as practice gets underway. Everything goes smoothly and soon practice is over. Maybe we can hang out for the little bit of time we have to kill. I know it's futile to even ask, you always say no, but as always I can't turn down the opportunity to try.

As I approach, I can't help but take you in. Every single thing about you is beautiful. You look up and smile when you see me. You always manage to seem happy to see me, even when I'm sure you're not. A lump forms in my throat as your eyes meet mine.

This is stupid. She's going to say no. She always says no. Just say hi and walk away. She'll be happy and you won't be disappointed.

Of course, I ignore the voice in my head and I propose we go for breakfast. Your reply takes me off guard and I walk out next to you half dazed in a mix of surprise and elation.

As the day goes on, I find myself next to you more than I thought possible. I can't even get over how beautiful you are. Your eyes are so sharp, your face stunning, your breasts full, your figure shows the work you've put into it. But even the pleasure of looking at you pales next to the joy of talking to you, of just being with you.

I find myself praying that this day will never end.

Not For This

As isolation descends and loneliness sets in, the realisation of my place among those I love most is a harsh one. My heart was not made for this. If I had the courage to leave this city, to run away from the cause of this pain, tonight I would be gone.

Killers

Frustration may come on easily, but all it takes to be defused is a smile. This is a short tale about how a simple smile can make the biggest difference in someone's day.

Nearing the end of my shift, I was walking the floor looking for help unloading a truck. I couldn't do it on my own and my shift was almost up, so I was in a bit of a rush. As I neared the hardware department, I saw a lot associate trying to help a woman find a specific package of drawer knobs. She had found one package but needed more.

I could tell as I walked up that the situation wasn't the best. The woman seemed upset and the associate helping her was getting frustrated. He walked to a nearby computer to look up the sku to see if we had any more on hand. With my knowledge of our products, I suspected I knew why no one could find what the lady was looking for. I approached the associate and asked to see the product. My suspicions were right.

"I know where this is," I told him. Turning to the woman, I said, "I'll take to you them."

After asking the associate if he could help me unload the waiting truck, I turned and led the customer the kitchen & bath department. I walked up to a shelf, looked at the model number on the product in my hand and compared it to the labels on the shelf.

Bingo.

"There it is," I said, handing her the item. She looked at me, smiled a very gracious smile and said, "Thank you so much!"

"No problem," I replied.

As I walked away, the image of her smile flashed in my head. It was so sincere, so real. In something so small, she found something that meant something to her. Something of value to her.

I'm not writing this to brag. The only reason I knew where that item belonged was because, in the five years I've worked here, I've put it and others like it onto that shelf hundreds of times. I only recognised the problem as I approached it because I've seen people in the same situation many times. The oddity that some knobs are kept in a different department than the rest stuck in my brain.

But it made me realise that that situation was part of why, in my five years in this company, I've put those away so often and seen others not able to find them. I had those experiences, in part, to help that lady and receive her warm smile on a frustrating day.

I've gone on too long but I really wanted to share this story to any who care to read it. Just remember that everything happens for a reason but also remember that the simple things you do can make the biggest difference in someone's life.

Go on. Smile like you mean it.

The Hard Way

Earbuds in his ears, he turned up the music to near maximum. Maybe if it were loud enough he wouldn't be able to think. With as much on his mind as there was, an empty void is better than the reality he built for himself.

When did doing the right thing become so hard? Why did he always have to take things so far that he had to take drastic measures to do what comes so naturally to everyone else? When did he lose the concept of normality?

He stood up from his seat on the concrete as the bus pulled up and hit pause. Dropping a token into the slot, he made his way to the back and sat down. He hit play and ignored the looks from the other passengers, startled at the volume of the hard rock music they could hear quite clearly.

The music wasn't working. Despite his "pedestrian face", the tough face he put on when he didn't want to be bothered, his heart was breaking on the inside. He'd been a fool and now he must pay for it. Why was he so quick to love? More importantly, why was he so quick to destroy the little good in his life?

He stood, pulling on the cord to signal his stop, and stepped up to the door. Almost home. Maybe the tv would distract him enough to forget for a while. Even a little while would be bliss. The doors opened and he stepped out, blinking as the low evening sun hit his face. He turned and began walking the last leg of his journey home.

Thoughts still creeping in, he cast his eyes to the ground. Why did he push her away? Shame was an almost physical force, pushing his head down in sorrow. Only one day and he already missed her. But he'd been through this before. He'd get through it again, wouldn't he? And it was for the best, wasn't it? He didn't want to get through it. That would be too easy and he didn't deserve easy. Why couldn't he be normal?

Why can't I be normal?

A song came on he hadn't heard in years. Turning the volume up even more, thought finally started to drift away.