Never write about your roller coaster day ending up high before your day is complete. If the day's not over, there is still time for the roller coaster to take a big dive.
And it did.
Monday 31 January 2011
Sunday 30 January 2011
Vehemence
You ever been on a roller coaster? Isn't it awesome? All the rises and falls, the loops and spirals, the negative and positive gravitational forces. All together, they make such an enjoyable experience that can be had over and over again and will never get old.
The roller coaster of life, however, is not such an enjoyable experience. The rises and falls of emotion, the loops and spirals of experience, the negative and positive gravitational forces of... Okay, the metaphor gets sketchy there, but you get my point.
Unfortunately for me, I'm overly emotional. A single day can hold a plethora of emotional rises and falls.
A single word can turn bliss into despair.
A single glance can turn torment into serenity.
A single action can turn the absence of feeling into a myriad of sensation.
It's emotionally exhausting. And when the day fails to close on a high note, it can be crushing.
But being the roller coasters that they are, my days can sometimes surprise me. And today was one of those.
A surprise.
There are too many details to list now but I'll give you one.
Every year, my friend and I bet on the Super Bowl. I let her pick a team and I take the other. The loser buys lunch for the winner the following week. We've been doing this for three years. I'm 0 for 3. I don't care. I love it.
The past few months have been... rocky between this friend and I. I have done things in my life that will shame me to my grave and those actions have hurt many of the people I love and my relationships with them. She is no different.
But a couple weeks ago, as I said hello to her, I mentioned that the super bowl was coming up. She actually perked up and sounded halfway excited about our bet.
Today, we talked more about it and she was happy and excited and amazing. The friend I've always loved. We joked and laughed and poked fun of each other, just like we used to. It was... Happiness.
No.
Not happiness.
Elation.
I love her so much. She's never been anything but a friend to me. What have I been to her?
Anyway, I'm way off track. I guess what I'm saying is that while this roller coaster I'm on is a horrible, exhausting, painful experience, it occasionally leaves me with a smile on my face.
And if it's a smile for the right person, it makes all the pain completely worth it.
And today, the smile left on my face was for the right person.
So worth it.
The roller coaster of life, however, is not such an enjoyable experience. The rises and falls of emotion, the loops and spirals of experience, the negative and positive gravitational forces of... Okay, the metaphor gets sketchy there, but you get my point.
Unfortunately for me, I'm overly emotional. A single day can hold a plethora of emotional rises and falls.
A single word can turn bliss into despair.
A single glance can turn torment into serenity.
A single action can turn the absence of feeling into a myriad of sensation.
It's emotionally exhausting. And when the day fails to close on a high note, it can be crushing.
But being the roller coasters that they are, my days can sometimes surprise me. And today was one of those.
A surprise.
There are too many details to list now but I'll give you one.
Every year, my friend and I bet on the Super Bowl. I let her pick a team and I take the other. The loser buys lunch for the winner the following week. We've been doing this for three years. I'm 0 for 3. I don't care. I love it.
The past few months have been... rocky between this friend and I. I have done things in my life that will shame me to my grave and those actions have hurt many of the people I love and my relationships with them. She is no different.
But a couple weeks ago, as I said hello to her, I mentioned that the super bowl was coming up. She actually perked up and sounded halfway excited about our bet.
Today, we talked more about it and she was happy and excited and amazing. The friend I've always loved. We joked and laughed and poked fun of each other, just like we used to. It was... Happiness.
No.
Not happiness.
Elation.
I love her so much. She's never been anything but a friend to me. What have I been to her?
Anyway, I'm way off track. I guess what I'm saying is that while this roller coaster I'm on is a horrible, exhausting, painful experience, it occasionally leaves me with a smile on my face.
And if it's a smile for the right person, it makes all the pain completely worth it.
And today, the smile left on my face was for the right person.
So worth it.
Sunday 23 January 2011
Maybe Not
Man, I am so jealous of you two. You are so good together and you each have someone who truly makes you happy.
As I drove onto the street last night I saw the two of you walking toward your car, your arm locked around his, pressing up against him, not only for warmth, but because you can't stand to be apart from him.
A wave of emotions washed over me the moment my eyes took you in.
Happiness that you are so happy being with him.
Sadness that I may never know that feeling.
Fear that he could fuck things up and hurt you.
Anger at the guys who did, and still, hurt you.
Regret that you both left my house that night before I was ready to let you leave.
It all adds up to jealousy. I'm so jealous of you both for what you have found in each other.
But as far as I am concerned, he gets the better end of the deal in being with you. You're so funny, and intelligent and caring and super gorgeous, not to mention that you're a hockey fan. Girls like you seem to be getting more and more rare. You're one in a billion.
But it's not that you got stiffed either. He's funny and intelligent and caring and practical, not to mention super talented at fucking everything. How could a guy like me ever stand a chance against a guy like him?
Don't let me sour what you have though. You two are beautiful together. If my life weren't so screwed up right now, the only emotion I'd feel when I see you together would be complete happiness.
Maybe someday, if I ever get my life back on solid ground, maybe I'll find someone for me. Someone like you. Or maybe she'll find me when she's supposed to, like you keep telling me. Or maybe we'll find each other, bumping into each other in a small coffee shop and then later, shopping after work. Maybe.
Maybe not.
I'm so happy for you, my dear friend. Do not be saddened by any of the doubts and fears that come into your mind. Be happy that you are fortunate enough to be where you are. Your insecurities are grossly unfounded.
As I drove onto the street last night I saw the two of you walking toward your car, your arm locked around his, pressing up against him, not only for warmth, but because you can't stand to be apart from him.
A wave of emotions washed over me the moment my eyes took you in.
Happiness that you are so happy being with him.
Sadness that I may never know that feeling.
Fear that he could fuck things up and hurt you.
Anger at the guys who did, and still, hurt you.
Regret that you both left my house that night before I was ready to let you leave.
It all adds up to jealousy. I'm so jealous of you both for what you have found in each other.
But as far as I am concerned, he gets the better end of the deal in being with you. You're so funny, and intelligent and caring and super gorgeous, not to mention that you're a hockey fan. Girls like you seem to be getting more and more rare. You're one in a billion.
But it's not that you got stiffed either. He's funny and intelligent and caring and practical, not to mention super talented at fucking everything. How could a guy like me ever stand a chance against a guy like him?
Don't let me sour what you have though. You two are beautiful together. If my life weren't so screwed up right now, the only emotion I'd feel when I see you together would be complete happiness.
Maybe someday, if I ever get my life back on solid ground, maybe I'll find someone for me. Someone like you. Or maybe she'll find me when she's supposed to, like you keep telling me. Or maybe we'll find each other, bumping into each other in a small coffee shop and then later, shopping after work. Maybe.
Maybe not.
I'm so happy for you, my dear friend. Do not be saddened by any of the doubts and fears that come into your mind. Be happy that you are fortunate enough to be where you are. Your insecurities are grossly unfounded.
Tuesday 18 January 2011
Selfish, Really
Today turned out to be a good day. My friends need to realize the effect they have on me is good. The time I spend with you guys can turn the worst day into a memorable one. If I have to, say, drive to Vaughan and back and buy coffee and donuts to pick you up from school and take you home, I'm more than willing to do so. Less like willing to and more like wanting to, actually. So stop fighting me and just take the favours I offer because I'm not just doing them for you. I'm doing them for me as well. I like you guys and I want to spend time with you.
Conclusion: Shut up and take the damn ride already. Yeah, I'm totally talking to you.
Conclusion: Shut up and take the damn ride already. Yeah, I'm totally talking to you.
Sunday 16 January 2011
Everything I Write is the Same
Will you miss me when I'm gone? Will you even care? Someday, I'm not going to be here anymore. I'm not going to set up the mics for practice, I'm not going to stay late after everyone's left to make sure that everything gets put away, I'm not going to be there to do the little things that no one notices until they're not done. I'm not going to be here.
Do you even miss me now? Remember the friends we once were? Remember the love between us? I know I screwed up bad but doesn't that count for something? I guess not.
I can't blame you or hold any of it against you. I deserve nothing but the hatred of every person I've ever loved. Hell, in some twisted way, I want it. Anything less feels like I'm getting off easy, which I totally am. You'd be the first to tell me that if you could.
I wish we had never been the close friends we were. That way, this wouldn't be tearing my heart in two. I wouldn't feel immobilized by fear when you walk into the room, even though I would be so sad if you didn't show up. My heart wouldn't skip a beat every time you look me in the eye.
I wish this were some simple crush that could be gotten over with time and space, but it's not. You were more than a crush. You were more than family. You were a friend. A true friend, in the deepest of meanings. The only one of those I've ever really had.
Even when I'm looking right at you I've never been further from you. You're gone and I miss you. Do you miss me? Did you at all?
For what it's worth, I'd still give my life for yours.
Do you even miss me now? Remember the friends we once were? Remember the love between us? I know I screwed up bad but doesn't that count for something? I guess not.
I can't blame you or hold any of it against you. I deserve nothing but the hatred of every person I've ever loved. Hell, in some twisted way, I want it. Anything less feels like I'm getting off easy, which I totally am. You'd be the first to tell me that if you could.
I wish we had never been the close friends we were. That way, this wouldn't be tearing my heart in two. I wouldn't feel immobilized by fear when you walk into the room, even though I would be so sad if you didn't show up. My heart wouldn't skip a beat every time you look me in the eye.
I wish this were some simple crush that could be gotten over with time and space, but it's not. You were more than a crush. You were more than family. You were a friend. A true friend, in the deepest of meanings. The only one of those I've ever really had.
Even when I'm looking right at you I've never been further from you. You're gone and I miss you. Do you miss me? Did you at all?
For what it's worth, I'd still give my life for yours.
Alarm Clock
Once again, you haunt my dreams. Once again, you taunt me with your beauty, your sexiness. Must you kick a man while he's down? Can you not leave well enough alone? Why do you continue to torture me in my loneliness?
Sigh...
How could I ever be angry at you? Isn't this what I want? While I have liked a lot of girls, you are the only one I ever loved. The only one who has managed to linger inside my head for years upon years it seems. I suppose your showing up in my dreams is my own damn fault.
But all you are to me now is a dream. A dream of what could possibly have been. A dream of what I once thought was all I ever wanted.
I think it's time to wake up.
Sigh...
How could I ever be angry at you? Isn't this what I want? While I have liked a lot of girls, you are the only one I ever loved. The only one who has managed to linger inside my head for years upon years it seems. I suppose your showing up in my dreams is my own damn fault.
But all you are to me now is a dream. A dream of what could possibly have been. A dream of what I once thought was all I ever wanted.
I think it's time to wake up.
Friday 14 January 2011
Audible Joy
Did you resolve to do and/or not do anything this year? I did. Well, sort of. I decided to label 2011 as my year of live shows. I want to go see as many bands as possible, preferably for as little money as possible, but I'm not outrageously picky.
I've learned that no matter how good or bad a band may sound having gone through the recording and editing stages, 99% of the time they sound infinitely better live. I think it's a mixture of the atmosphere and the "realness" that the band gives off, rather than the highly edited, "perfect" sound of the recording. Because of this, I want to experience as many bands as possible in their best state.
The one problem I've run into is that most live shows are during the spring and summer. Not in the dead of winter. The earliest "big band" I found doing a show here is May 3. Sure, I've bought my tickets already, but that's a long way off. I need something to sustain me. Waiting for this show will drive me insane if I don't get some live music before then.
Now, I could go to the bars and clubs downtown and see some of the local talent as there's live music being played every day all over the city. But there is a problem with that too. Picking a random band on a random night at a random club is a lot of random to deal with. The odds of finding a halfway decent band are pretty low. Toronto has some very good local talent but finding that talent is something of a challenge.
But with the right show buddy and the right beer in hand and assortment of food in stomach, I'm up for the challenge. Taking in a large amount of shit bands can easily be made up by one really good band.
Come on bands. Impress me.
I've learned that no matter how good or bad a band may sound having gone through the recording and editing stages, 99% of the time they sound infinitely better live. I think it's a mixture of the atmosphere and the "realness" that the band gives off, rather than the highly edited, "perfect" sound of the recording. Because of this, I want to experience as many bands as possible in their best state.
The one problem I've run into is that most live shows are during the spring and summer. Not in the dead of winter. The earliest "big band" I found doing a show here is May 3. Sure, I've bought my tickets already, but that's a long way off. I need something to sustain me. Waiting for this show will drive me insane if I don't get some live music before then.
Now, I could go to the bars and clubs downtown and see some of the local talent as there's live music being played every day all over the city. But there is a problem with that too. Picking a random band on a random night at a random club is a lot of random to deal with. The odds of finding a halfway decent band are pretty low. Toronto has some very good local talent but finding that talent is something of a challenge.
But with the right show buddy and the right beer in hand and assortment of food in stomach, I'm up for the challenge. Taking in a large amount of shit bands can easily be made up by one really good band.
Come on bands. Impress me.
Monday 10 January 2011
Imagine a roller coaster that let you keep the adrenaline rush after getting off...
It's January and that means that (pretty much) everyone is back to their normal lives. No more long weekends and short weeks, no more visits with family, no more copious amounts of food. It's back to the grind of everyday life. Or in my case, everynight life. But as much as my life is back to the same old cycle, repeated until death, I think this past weekend is worth noting.
Actually, nothing spectacular happened. I didn't go out for wings and beer with my buddy like I had planned, I outrageously overslept on Saturday so I couldn't get anything done and I was so wiped Sunday evening that I went to be around 8. But despite all this, all these things I would consider to equal a bad weekend, it wasn't bad at all.
First off, I woke up two hours late Saturday afternoon and nearly missed my mom's birthday party. But my family made sure I didn't, which is kind of them since they usually let me sleep. Before the party I ran to the store to pick up snacks for the movie and while I was out my friend called on her break. What a nice surprise! We chatted a few minutes before she went back to work.
I got home and spent the night at home with my family celebrating my mom's birthday, which was more enjoyable than I had thought it would be. We ate, watched a (lame) movie and played a game before people started heading off to do their own things. All in all, a really good night. I'm not at all disappointed that I didn't get to go out.
Later that night, (more like very early Sunday morning) my friend called back. She wanted advice on a problem. I feel so blessed by this because it takes me back to when people used to trust me enough to tell me their problems and just vent to me. It makes me feel useful without the aid of a forklift. Sure, it was crazy late and I had to get up crazy early but it was completely worth it to help someone and talking to her is always a pleasure.
Sunday started off like a normal Sunday. Get to church early, prep the equipment for the service, church service, smiles and hugs. It's hard not to be happy at church. Everyone is genuinely happy to see you and the music and preaching at my church are, in my humble, biased opinion, the best anywhere.
But this Sunday was special because we had the first choir practice of the new year. Christmas vacation is great and all but I hate time off from choir. It's one of my all time favourite activities to spend time doing. We started concert prep and learned a couple new songs. Usual stuff really but it was nice to get back at it after the Christmas break.
Sunday evening was a bit of a disappointment as my friend fell asleep and missed our appointement for wings and beer but we both work nights so I totally understand the exhaustion. I too was exhausted so I went home and soon fell asleep.
But leave it to my fantastic friends to turn a lame day into a day worth remembering. My friend with whom I talked on the phone the previous night sent me a message asking me to call again. So I did! We talked for a while before going to sleep. I actually forgot what it was like to talk myself to sleep with a good friend. Nothing better, as far as I'm concerned.
Worth noting: I saw Tron: Legacy on Monday with my dad. It was pretty good in my opinion. Not as good as I had hoped but quite enjoyable.
The point I'm getting at is that despite the ups and downs in any span time, the highs and lows, if you have friends and or family who actually care about you and seem to like you despite all odds, that span of time can end on such a good note that you don't even remember the low points. So thank you to my wonderful family. Thank you to my spectacular choir mates and life longs friend therein. Thank you to my awesome friend who talks to me into the wee hours of the morning. You are all high points in my life and being with you you can only result in such.
And thank you Lord for giving them all to me. I am not deserving of a single one person caring for me and yet, here they are.
(I write way too damn much.)
Actually, nothing spectacular happened. I didn't go out for wings and beer with my buddy like I had planned, I outrageously overslept on Saturday so I couldn't get anything done and I was so wiped Sunday evening that I went to be around 8. But despite all this, all these things I would consider to equal a bad weekend, it wasn't bad at all.
First off, I woke up two hours late Saturday afternoon and nearly missed my mom's birthday party. But my family made sure I didn't, which is kind of them since they usually let me sleep. Before the party I ran to the store to pick up snacks for the movie and while I was out my friend called on her break. What a nice surprise! We chatted a few minutes before she went back to work.
I got home and spent the night at home with my family celebrating my mom's birthday, which was more enjoyable than I had thought it would be. We ate, watched a (lame) movie and played a game before people started heading off to do their own things. All in all, a really good night. I'm not at all disappointed that I didn't get to go out.
Later that night, (more like very early Sunday morning) my friend called back. She wanted advice on a problem. I feel so blessed by this because it takes me back to when people used to trust me enough to tell me their problems and just vent to me. It makes me feel useful without the aid of a forklift. Sure, it was crazy late and I had to get up crazy early but it was completely worth it to help someone and talking to her is always a pleasure.
Sunday started off like a normal Sunday. Get to church early, prep the equipment for the service, church service, smiles and hugs. It's hard not to be happy at church. Everyone is genuinely happy to see you and the music and preaching at my church are, in my humble, biased opinion, the best anywhere.
But this Sunday was special because we had the first choir practice of the new year. Christmas vacation is great and all but I hate time off from choir. It's one of my all time favourite activities to spend time doing. We started concert prep and learned a couple new songs. Usual stuff really but it was nice to get back at it after the Christmas break.
Sunday evening was a bit of a disappointment as my friend fell asleep and missed our appointement for wings and beer but we both work nights so I totally understand the exhaustion. I too was exhausted so I went home and soon fell asleep.
But leave it to my fantastic friends to turn a lame day into a day worth remembering. My friend with whom I talked on the phone the previous night sent me a message asking me to call again. So I did! We talked for a while before going to sleep. I actually forgot what it was like to talk myself to sleep with a good friend. Nothing better, as far as I'm concerned.
Worth noting: I saw Tron: Legacy on Monday with my dad. It was pretty good in my opinion. Not as good as I had hoped but quite enjoyable.
The point I'm getting at is that despite the ups and downs in any span time, the highs and lows, if you have friends and or family who actually care about you and seem to like you despite all odds, that span of time can end on such a good note that you don't even remember the low points. So thank you to my wonderful family. Thank you to my spectacular choir mates and life longs friend therein. Thank you to my awesome friend who talks to me into the wee hours of the morning. You are all high points in my life and being with you you can only result in such.
And thank you Lord for giving them all to me. I am not deserving of a single one person caring for me and yet, here they are.
(I write way too damn much.)
Sunday 2 January 2011
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Hello Bloggerers. It's been a while. I hope ya'll had a great couple of holidays. Overall, I think I did. The good usually out weighs the bad for me anyway.
There were a couple of you who were monumental to me the last couple weeks. Whether you gave me a thoughtful gift, hung out with me or even just talked to me at odd times of the night(morning, really), you made this year memorable. And you need to know that I mean that literally. The Christmas/New Year season has been very dull and lonely for me the last few years. All very forgettable. I will remember this year for a very long time. Thank you.
There were a couple of you who were monumental to me the last couple weeks. Whether you gave me a thoughtful gift, hung out with me or even just talked to me at odd times of the night(morning, really), you made this year memorable. And you need to know that I mean that literally. The Christmas/New Year season has been very dull and lonely for me the last few years. All very forgettable. I will remember this year for a very long time. Thank you.
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