Brown Eyed Girl

Almost. You almost let me forget your eyes. Your big brown eyes that very nearly sparkle and make you look like you're excited about everything. You mesmerise me without even trying. I can barely hear the words you're saying for all my attention is focused into your eyes.

You are beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. It's been so long and you were slowly drifting out of my thoughts but as soon as you came into sight, every feeling came right back to the forefront. A want to be with you. A longing that I would mean as much to you as you do to me. A painful knowledge that I never will.

And then it all fades away again as I look into your eyes and I realise something. I'm no longer stressed or angry. I'm not longer sad or lonely. I'm not at all upset or depressed. What do you do to me? I feel...

Happy.

How Many Before It's A Streak?

Here we are again. The Christmas season. Holidays abound and everyone reaches out to spend time with their loved ones, friends and family alike.

Smiles gleam and the sounds laughter escape warm houses and drift into the cold night air. They echo down to the brightly lit street where I stroll, alone in the night as snow slowly gathers on my shoulders from the falling flakes.

At the first house, I walk up the yard and peer into the frost tinged window, blinking as the light hits my eyes. Muffled singing seeps through to my ears as I stare at the delight on the faces of friends crooning together, arms over shoulders, drinks in hand. What they were singing didn't matter. They were together and that was where the happiness came from. Being together. A twinge of pain pulls my eyes away and I return to my walk down the middle of the road.

I approach another house flooding the snow with light and I hesitantly make my way to the window. While the gathering here is slightly more tame than the previous party, not a single person inside is enjoying themselves any less. Everyone is sitting comfortably around the elaborately decorated room, simply talking. Their conversation is a mystery to me, but I can't help but imagine tales of years gone by, everyone fondly reminiscing the happy past they shared. Blinking away tears before they could fall, I back away to the street.

I walk on, sounds of happiness echoing in my ears. I've never had the strength to hold these tears back on my own for very long. Walking down the street alone, surrounded by the happiness of those I love who don't even see me, I've never felt so alone. So isolated. So broken. The tears break through.

Here we are again. The Christmas season. Holidays abound and everyone reaches out to spend time with their loved ones, friends and family alike. This metaphor is not far from the truth. I can't wait for January when people remember me again.

Push

You push. All you do is push. Push and push until they finally push back. Mumbling apologies to hide mistrust. Smiling to hide disdain. And you buy it. Well, deep down you know it's all bullshit, words to make sure you don't catch on, but on the surface you want to believe they're true. And that's when the hurt starts to creep in. It only starts on the surface, sliding across your skin, but it works it's way down. Through muscle and tissue, nerves and veins, the pain moves deeper. It scrapes on your bones with ferocity and burns your marrow in a blaze of unbearable fire and tears. Pain. Everything. Everywhere. You scream but no one hears. No one wants to hear. Every breath sends lances of fire through your being. Your fists tremble violently with the effort it takes to stay still. And then, through the pain and the tears and the sheer ferocity of it all, you push again.

Push.

Front Teeth

All I want for Christmas is to know that even just one person will miss me when I'm gone.

Wimp

When will it stop, this ache in his heart? Why has it not gone away?

Imagine three scenes:

A guy sitting in church, sitting with friends.

A guy at work, in a warehouse, working with people he's worked with for years.

A guy in a restaurant, sitting across from his friends, all laughing.

Look closely at that guy. Look into his eyes. If you look close enough, you will see the smiles are just a cover. They are just the outer layer that does not reach down to the core. You will see sadness in his eyes. Sadness and loneliness and fear.

But why? Why, in these scenarios, is this guy sad? Or lonely? If only you could look into his heart. You would see sadness as he realises he doesn't belong. You would see loneliness for being the odd one out; the only one without a partner. You would see fear that everyone around him would realise these things and leave him behind. You would see heart crushing emotion that threatens to batter him into a husk of tears and sobs the moment he let's his guard down.

But why does he feel these emotions when surrounded by his friends?

He doesn't know.

For what feels like forever he has tried to puzzle out why he cannot be happy. Forever he has yearned that his smile would not be so forced. Forever he has wished that he could feel loved.

That's it, isn't it? Love. He doesn't feel loved. In every scene we see him among friends and co-workers but sadness in his eyes. It's because he feels unloved and not cared about. He wants to believe they would notice if he stopped being there. He wants to believe there would be someone by his side in tragedy. He wants to believe a tear would be shed if he ceased to breathe.

He has so much love for all those people. Why don't they ever love him back?

The Grind

For how long do I have to live through this pain? When will the day come when I can look at you and not feel my heart tear in two? Is it too much to ask for this nightmare to return to it's best days? To the days when all I looked forward to was seeing you walk in? To sitting across from you at Tim's, talking like nothing ever really mattered? To those mornings in the car, driving through sleet and snow to get you to school? To feeling like you actually cared when I talked?

I miss the fun we had. I miss our conversations. I miss our friendship. I miss you. Years of memories, all but lost. Years of memories that mean nothing to you. Years of memories that once brought uncontrollable smiles to my face, now bring tears that don't know how to stop.

Years of wanting to be more than a friend to you has faded into a longing that the words you say to me were true. That the smiles you give me weren't forced. That being near me wasn't a test of your patience. But if wishes were wings, I'd have flown to the sun and back, and you'd still be out of reach.

So what is this? An ode to times gone by? A lament to lost love?

No.

This is my goodbye.

As Time Approaches Infinity...

Here I am. Just me. Alone again. What am I doing? I'm slowly killing myself, that's what. For a guy who finds it completely unbearable to be alone, I startlingly push you all away. Why can't I leave well enough alone?

I'm not the person I could be. I'm not the friend to you all that I should be. I'm not the man I want to be. So what am I?

I'm a collection of mistakes. I'm failure personified. I'm a fool playing at life. I'm broken and alone, reaching out to anyone and everyone who so much as smiles at me. But none of you have the time or patience to deal with me. I'm too much to deal with. My emotions are a roller coaster. My sensitivity is turned up to 11. My tears flow far to readily. I'm broken and alone and I have nowhere to cast any of the blame but upon myself.

I wish I could change, but I know that's impossible. I've been in this same spot for years. I've hurt so many loved ones, one of them more precious than anything or anyone I could ever imagine. If I could do that to her, what is stopping me from doing it to all of you?

Nothing.

As time approaches infinity, I approach the ability to be a friend.