Indicative of Love

What are these tears for? I'm not sure that I know anymore. I think I used to, but now, not quite. All day, it's a struggle to hold them back, to keep a smile on my face and go about my life. So I work. I don't stop. If I keep going, maybe I won't remember that my walls are about to crumble. Finally, my body gives out, beaten down in exhaustion. Thoughts stacked upon thoughts stacked upon compiled thoughts race through my mind. The tears break through my defences. But even these tears can't compete with this exhaustion and I drift into sleep.

I wake. I jump up and stumble back to work. I'm not quite awake yet. The remainder of the shift goes by in a blur. Then I talk to you; start feeling better. Maybe these tears will go away after all. But leave it to me to fuck up, as usual. I try to help, try to do the right thing, be a good friend, but all I do is fuck up.

The walls just shatter. My head hung in shame, sobs shake me and the tears fall to the floor. All happiness to see you evaporates. All excitement to eat breakfast with you at your desk disappears. Time and time again, I fail. I fall short of the most meager expectations. I feel useless, distraught and so helplessly alone. I am losing you and you're never going to want to come back.

But work goes on. I force the tears back, just above the edge. I push myself to keep going. Even so late in the shift, the work keeps coming. I have no choice but to soldier on.

Then, finally, I'm done. My day can come to a close. And then you walk in. So beautiful. No. Ravishing. Even now, you take the breath right out of me. In one moment of seeing you, I am flooded with months worth of memories of you and me, carefree and happy.

We talk in your office for a while, hurt feelings and annoyance barely hidden behind forced smiles and hollow laughter. I am happy to see you, but... It's not the same. You're not you. I'm not me. I don't recognise at all the two people talking. But you are enough to make the pressure of tears ease away. It still cheers me up to see you.

And then you drop your bomb.

It's just a few words, but it feels like you punched me in the chest. Almost literally. My heart aches at the strain. Anxiety rolls over me like a tidal wave. Walls already gone, the flood of ever-present tears forces it's way to the surface. In the midst of such a brutal assault of emotion, I realise what such a physical reaction is indicative of. I need to escape.

I make a quick goodbye and hurry out without looking at you. I barely make it to my car before the tears break through again. Before the sobs come and turn me into a withering heap. The drive home is unbearably long. I sit in my driveway for even longer.

Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not allowed to be happy? I didn't ask for much, did I? Why does no one give a damn about me? I could go on. These questions are racing through my mind constantly now. Why?

Fuck, I love you.

4/14

I keep thinking of it. Keep remembering it. Our history, that is. It's not a very long one by any standards. But it certainly is an eventful one. Full of highs and lows, twists and turns, loops and spirals. The two months we've been together would make for a very exciting roller coaster. But two high points always come back to my mind before all the others.

Remember that day on the island? In all our good times, even the times we've had lately, I don't think any compete with that day. Our long walk, the bridge, the pier, the picnic table, the boat. I can't wait to take you back to that bridge. There's one moment I want to recreate. But every aspect of that day was incredible. I was sad to see it end, but the memory will forever bring a smile to my face.

Fast forward a few weeks. Remember that day you dressed in your red polka-dotted dress? Mini golf, chicken wings, the car. Memory number two that will always cause a smile to crease my face. Every tiny detail still stands out to me. That spot at the top of the stairs before the seventh hole will send chills through my spine every time I pass by. The spot where I found you again. I smile like a goofy idiot just thinking of that day.

So here's to you; to us. Whether we last forever, or not even to the end of this post, let us look back on these memories and smile. Smile like goofy idiots.

Oh, and by the way, please take special note of the title. You should get that one.

Wet Blanket

There aren't many things on this planet that I find more beautiful than a sky full of clouds. Lying on a blanket in the park, I stare up into the sky at the puffy, white mountains, losing myself in their graceful beauty. But they can't hold my attention long. I have something, someone, down here on the ground with me. Someone much more beautiful than any cloud.

I lower my gaze from the sky to look at you. With your head on my shoulder and your eyes closed, you are more stunning than I ever thought it possible for a person to be. My heart jumps in my chest. I can't believe I'm really here. I can't believe you're really here. With me.

A myriad of emotions wash through me. The strongest feeling of those I recognise is determination. Determination to never hurt you. Determination to never make you cry. Determination to never lose you. No matter what, I cannot let that happen.

I put my arm around you and you snuggle in closer to me. I look back up to the sky. But I don't see clouds. I don't see blue sky.

All I see is you.

$15

You know the little stubs of paper they give you to put in your windshield when you park in a lot downtown? I have one of those stubs. It's in my wallet now. It's not good for parking anymore. It has served it's designed purpose. But it has a new purpose in my possession. It is a reminder. It is itself a memory. It is the last remnant of my last day with you.

But I wish I had something more. I wish I had a piece of that bridge. I wish I had the stone you were standing on when you kissed me. That kiss. The first of our last. That moment lasted forever and not long enough.

I wish I had a piece of that pier. You were so scared of the water meters below, but your fear seemed to melt away when I held you. It disappeared completely when I kissed you, even when I leaned you out over the railing. How could I ever forget that?

I wish I had a piece of that bench. The first sunset I ever sat and watched from downtown was right there with you. And standing in front of you sitting on that bench, holding you, kissing you... It brings such a mixture of fondness and sadness. But I will always cherish that moment.

I wish I had a piece of that boat. You were so cold and you wanted to go downstairs to get away from the water, but you stayed with me because I wanted to enjoy the air as we floated along. Rubbing your arms to warm you up may have been futile, but it was the last time I ever held you as we were then. I'll carry that to my grave.

I wish I had a piece of you. It sounds weird, maybe even sick, but I wish i could have a part of you to keep with me forever as a reminder of the time of my life.

But I do have a piece of you, don't I? You left an imprint on my heart, my Pumpkin. You left your mark on me. Yes, it created a deep scar that will take something major to heal, but it's you, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not the entire fucking world.

Back in the Day

Remember the old days? Remember going down to William's Cafe and chatting over smoothies and waffles? Remember the horribly embarrassing night at Starbucks? Remember e-mail after e-mail after e-mail that lasted for years? Remember a friendship that was rivalled by none other?

Today, I had a taste of it again. We were working on a big project and both of us were stressed and getting frustrated with people, and we even snapped at each other, but it was such a good day. Jokes without thoughts of how not to offend. Laughter like we had not a care in the world. Eye contact without crushing shame. It was such a good day.

Remember the old days? Going to see the big movies that were out at the time? Hanging out quoting the Simpsons, Family Guy and South Park? Walking to the mall for lunch every week? All those times of laughing and just enjoying each other's company?

You too, my old buddy. We laughed and joked and talked with each other like we used to so long ago. You looked at me and I didn't want to crawl away and die. You laughed at my jokes like you used to and I felt proud of it. You felt to me like the best buddy of old.

And the end of our day together was the best part of it. The last to leave, we walked and laughed and truly enjoyed each other's company. Our apologies for snapping were so sincere and heartfelt. Our well-wishes for the week were genuine and unforced. I walked away happy and feeling like life was turning up.

Thank you my dear friends. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

Reach

What do you do to me? When I see you, the rest of my day is filled with thoughts of you.

Your laugh is the sweetest music ever sung. The mere thought of you makes my heart jump in my chest. Your beauty is the stuff of legends. If I could sit and just stare at you forever, I would die a happy man.

Some day this cage of flesh and bones will not be enough to stop my heart from reaching you.

Worth Living

Love and pain. Two distinctly different feelings, but I can never seem to have one without the other. When love comes into my life, I can be sure that pain is not far behind. And when pain rears its ugly head, it's just a reminder of a love that couldn't survive the tempest of life.

Would I change it if I could? Could I if I would? To deny love or pain would be to deny living. It would be to deny learning, experience and change. I am not the same person I was a decade ago, five years ago or even just a year ago. Love and pain have formed me into the man sitting in front of this keyboard. To take away either would be to take away a part of myself. No, I think I will keep my pain and my love.

I think I will keep myself.