$15

You know the little stubs of paper they give you to put in your windshield when you park in a lot downtown? I have one of those stubs. It's in my wallet now. It's not good for parking anymore. It has served it's designed purpose. But it has a new purpose in my possession. It is a reminder. It is itself a memory. It is the last remnant of my last day with you.

But I wish I had something more. I wish I had a piece of that bridge. I wish I had the stone you were standing on when you kissed me. That kiss. The first of our last. That moment lasted forever and not long enough.

I wish I had a piece of that pier. You were so scared of the water meters below, but your fear seemed to melt away when I held you. It disappeared completely when I kissed you, even when I leaned you out over the railing. How could I ever forget that?

I wish I had a piece of that bench. The first sunset I ever sat and watched from downtown was right there with you. And standing in front of you sitting on that bench, holding you, kissing you... It brings such a mixture of fondness and sadness. But I will always cherish that moment.

I wish I had a piece of that boat. You were so cold and you wanted to go downstairs to get away from the water, but you stayed with me because I wanted to enjoy the air as we floated along. Rubbing your arms to warm you up may have been futile, but it was the last time I ever held you as we were then. I'll carry that to my grave.

I wish I had a piece of you. It sounds weird, maybe even sick, but I wish i could have a part of you to keep with me forever as a reminder of the time of my life.

But I do have a piece of you, don't I? You left an imprint on my heart, my Pumpkin. You left your mark on me. Yes, it created a deep scar that will take something major to heal, but it's you, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not the entire fucking world.

Back in the Day

Remember the old days? Remember going down to William's Cafe and chatting over smoothies and waffles? Remember the horribly embarrassing night at Starbucks? Remember e-mail after e-mail after e-mail that lasted for years? Remember a friendship that was rivalled by none other?

Today, I had a taste of it again. We were working on a big project and both of us were stressed and getting frustrated with people, and we even snapped at each other, but it was such a good day. Jokes without thoughts of how not to offend. Laughter like we had not a care in the world. Eye contact without crushing shame. It was such a good day.

Remember the old days? Going to see the big movies that were out at the time? Hanging out quoting the Simpsons, Family Guy and South Park? Walking to the mall for lunch every week? All those times of laughing and just enjoying each other's company?

You too, my old buddy. We laughed and joked and talked with each other like we used to so long ago. You looked at me and I didn't want to crawl away and die. You laughed at my jokes like you used to and I felt proud of it. You felt to me like the best buddy of old.

And the end of our day together was the best part of it. The last to leave, we walked and laughed and truly enjoyed each other's company. Our apologies for snapping were so sincere and heartfelt. Our well-wishes for the week were genuine and unforced. I walked away happy and feeling like life was turning up.

Thank you my dear friends. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

Reach

What do you do to me? When I see you, the rest of my day is filled with thoughts of you.

Your laugh is the sweetest music ever sung. The mere thought of you makes my heart jump in my chest. Your beauty is the stuff of legends. If I could sit and just stare at you forever, I would die a happy man.

Some day this cage of flesh and bones will not be enough to stop my heart from reaching you.

Worth Living

Love and pain. Two distinctly different feelings, but I can never seem to have one without the other. When love comes into my life, I can be sure that pain is not far behind. And when pain rears its ugly head, it's just a reminder of a love that couldn't survive the tempest of life.

Would I change it if I could? Could I if I would? To deny love or pain would be to deny living. It would be to deny learning, experience and change. I am not the same person I was a decade ago, five years ago or even just a year ago. Love and pain have formed me into the man sitting in front of this keyboard. To take away either would be to take away a part of myself. No, I think I will keep my pain and my love.

I think I will keep myself.

Montana

It coils around my throat. It pours into my lungs. I gasp for air. I find nothing. Panic sets in. I writhe in agony, flailing out at you with tear-filled eyes. I see pain in your face, but you turn away, unable to help me. Panic turns cold as I realise there is no one who can help me. It presses against me from every direction. It's everywhere. It taunts me with thoughts of you. I feel you touch my skin. I smell you on my clothes. I taste you on my lips. Your words echo through my head. Your face fills my vision. Beside you I am helpless to act. What was once as natural as breathing has been ripped from my hands, stolen from me before I could have possibly had my fill. Now I am alone, drowning in a sea of sorrow, isolated from all traces of warmth, happiness and love. It floods me with cold familiarity, but I struggle on. Hard facts don't stand a chance against the kind of hope I have for a future with you.Hope that keeps me going. It will probably kill me in the end, but for now, it's all I have to stand on.

Struggle

You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be.

Excerpt from Breath by Breaking Benjamin

Pumpkin

"I can smell you on my clothes." "I can taste you on my lips."

I always thought those were figures of speech. Lines used in songs to show meaning or add impact. That was, until I met you. Until I held you in my arms. Until I kissed you.

I drove around for an hour today, your scent filling my lungs, your taste gliding across my tongue. I couldn't escape you. Windows down, pedal to the floor, nothing would get rid of you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I let the wind fill my ears and I shut off my music. It was distracting me anyway. I want nothing to take away from my thoughts of you. You assault my senses. I smell you, taste you. Hear you whisper in my ear, feel you pressed against my chest. I see your eyes staring into mine.

Goosebumps.

When I will get to see you again, I don't know. But as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and you have been absent for far too long.