Still

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I will be here for you always.

Always.

When the Moon

Oh how beautiful you are. Even a mere photo of you blows my mind to bits.

You are so beautiful to me.

Comfort

In the darkness, I turn to my music and you are there.

I am no longer alone.

Change

I can't let sadness be my only inspiration. It can't be my only drive. I need to see the positive in my life, use it as fuel to write more often, more skillfully.

Yes. There is overwhelming sadness in my life, but it helps no one to focus entirely on it. It certainly does not help me. What I must try to do is focus on the good in my life. I must write about it and share it with whoever wants to listen. I want to have a positive impact on people, especially you.

It will be hard, but I have found that I can do a great deal when it's for you.

Ouch

Walked home today. Lots of time to do nothing but think.

Holy fuck, I miss you.

Alone

Just another day. Another day without you.

Please

I'm trying. Can't you understand that? Can't you understand that this is incredibly hard for me? I try not to talk about it but I've lost sleep over this. I lose my appetite on the worst days. I'm falling apart.

So I took an opportunity to call you about something. No, it wasn't entirely about that. I wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice. But you answered so coldly, almost angrily. So much for something to cheer me up a bit.

Can't you understand? I just wanted something to smile about, something to feel happy about. I trudge through every day, barely touched by my surroundings. The smiles and laughter I muster just come from the surface, not the heart. I'm not happy. I called you so that maybe I could be happy about something, even just for one night.

I'm broken, Hannah.

Of Course

No car. Forgot bus fare. Pouring rain. Fantastic.

To A Fault

Why do I still make a point to stay up until at least 10:30?

So Bad

It comes and goes in patches. Sometimes things are what they are, and other times things couldn't be worse. Right now is the latter.

I miss you so bad right now.

Finale

Sometimes, all it takes it's one little thing to turn a bad day into a good one. But sometimes again, all it takes is a small realization to give that good day a sour note.

Such good news! I wanted to laugh and dance and sing! I wanted to shout it out loud! I wanted to call you and tell you that moment!

Oh... Right. I can't.

You're gone. There's no one who cares about this good news aside from you. No one who will want to listen. No one will even be happy for me.

You would have been so excited to hear.

Damn.

I miss you, buddy.

Imagination

Okay, seriously. These dreams have got to stop. There's only so much a guy can take. I miss her enough while I'm conscious. Can I not have a few hours to escape the pain? Just a few hours of rest that don't result in me waking up more sad than when I went to sleep?

Warm Inside

Your smile. It would brighten every aspect of my life if I could just see you smile for me.

Hell, it would probably heal cancer too.

Doormat

A guy and his girlfriend, another girl and her boyfriend, and me. No girl at my side, no buddy to chat with. Just me. At the table, girl sits across from girl, guy sits across from guy, and I sit across from no one. I check my phone every five minutes for replies to the half dozen texts I sent out in hopes of some friendly company. Not one.

So alone I sit, trying my best to join in in the conversations at the table despite my disadvantageous seat. I smile and laugh and make jokes as much as I can but it feels empty, hollow. There's only so much I can do against this much loneliness. Against the overwhelming feeling that I don't belong, that I am the sore thumb.

But this is my life. I am alone. I am the odd one out. I am the loser who will continue to thanklessly sacrifice himself for the happiness of others. This is me.

I miss you.

SH

I'm going out with JJ and DM tonight. Oh how I wish there was an SH coming too.

To Clarify

I know you miss me. I know you wish things were better, that this didn't have to happen. I'm sorry for frustrating you with my questions. But sometimes it's hard to remember. Sometimes it feels like you hate me, like you don't want me in your life. I know that's not true, but it feels like it sometimes. Please just remember that these questions come from my crippling insecurity. I know how you feel deep down. I promise.

I miss you.

I love you.

(Just in case I hadn't said it in the last few minutes.)

Versary

Did you know that last Sunday was the 14th? Six months to the day. I owe you dinner, I guess.

Not...

...worth a damn, am I? Not to you. Not to anyone. Not even me anymore.

I don't know what I am. But whatever I am, I'm not worth a damn.

Asleep

I always make the worst decisions.

Pretend

My name never sounded so sweet. You make everything sound beautiful. After five long days and even longer nights, my heart can't stop singing.

Nice

I wish I could go for a walk with you today. It's a beautiful day for a walk with a beautiful girl. We could've met at the park and just walked. Walked to the swings and laughed as we swung higher and higher next to each other. Then lie on a blanket and watch the clouds go by and maybe even watch the sunset.

That would have been a nice thing to do today.

But I'm alone.

Day 4

Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days.

I walked home from work today. Despite seeing a few friends, I couldn't be cheered up beyond what I showed on the surface. The last time I talked to you was Sunday. Four days ago. The last time you stopped speaking to me, we spoke four days later. Of course that would be the first thing on my mind as I woke up today. It hasn't left my mind yet.

Now it's 9:30 and you haven't called. You haven't sent me a text. You didn't swing by my work. It's day four of complete silence. You don't even comment on my posts or play the one game we had that was never affected by our personal problems. But in my mind, you're still right there. It's like you're just outside my vision, just out of reach. But I know you're there. It's maddening.

Today is a very bad day.

Doubt

If I called you, would you talk to me? If I asked how you're doing, would you tell me? Would you ask how I am? Would you even answer at all?

Do you even miss me?

Irreplaceable

God help me, my heart is broken.

Blind

I thought I saw you three times today on my walk home. I long to see your face, to hear your voice. This broken record of a man misses you so much.

Quote of Today

The first to help you up are the ones who know how it feels to fall down.

Achievement Unlocked

Back in January I posted this. My goal was to post 52 entries on my blog. Not counting that and this one, for the year of 2012, I have posted exactly 104, double the goal I set for myself. In fact, if I keep up my current pace, I may end up posting around 52 in the month of October alone. For contrast, for the entire year of 2011, I posted 54. I have come a long way.

I've been through many ups and downs since I made that resolution. Exhilarating highs and debilitating lows. But can I complain? Well, of course I can, but I won't. It's because of those highs and lows that I was able to write so much and, from my perspective, grow my skills as a writer. I wouldn't call myself a talented writer in any sense, but I think I've grown and become better at it than I ever thought possible.

Maybe it's time for a new goal, seeing as I've destroyed the last one. What I would like to work on next is fiction. I want to try my hand at narrative writing. I've dabbled in it in the past and it's all been terrible, but maybe I can take what little experience I have from writing this blog and use it to write a half decent story.

But all that aside, I want to thank one person. One person very dear to me who was the sole inspiration in reaching my goal so overwhelmingly. If you've read all or most of my posts for the past few months, you've probably figured out that she is the subject of nearly every single one. Though she may have been the cause of many of my lowest lows, she was also the cause of every one of my highest highs. She isn't in my life anymore but I do have faith that she will be again one day, sooner or later, and I cannot wait for that day. I will welcome her back with open arms and tears of joy and immediately offer to clean the mud off her glasses. And if I do ever write that story, first on the list of dedications will be her, the one who pushed me to write it in the first place.

I love you, buddy. I miss you.

<4

Stats

Hmm... I'm getting some fairly regular traffic from the United States. Is that you browsing from your work computer or do I have some other readers from down south? Either way, I'd love to hear from you! I'm very curious to know if I have readers in the States! :-)

Nadia

Why don't I ever dream when I'm happy? I love happy dreams! Well, if things were different, my dream last night would have been amazing! I wasn't going to write about it but that would drive you crazy, wouldn't it?

It wasn't anything crazy or ridiculous. You just called me while I was driving and we went out for dinner. There were some irregularities that seemed normal until I woke up, but overall it was a simple, happy dream that made me sad because no matter how many times I check my phone, you haven't sent a message. No matter how many times it rings, it's never you calling. No matter how many times I look out the window, it's never you sitting in your car waiting for me.

Maybe you're sick of reading this, but you have no idea how much I miss you. I wish I thought that you miss me too.

Laundry Time

Memories

Do you ever get so lost in thought while you're driving? You suddenly "wake up" somewhere but can't remember how you got there? That happened to me tonight. I woke up as I was turning onto the street that leads to your house.

I didn't mean to go that route. I avoid that area because I'm always afraid that you'll see me and think that I'm stalking you. I'm a creep but I'm not a stalker.

Going by brought back so many memories. Remember when I used to pick you up for work in the morning? Sometimes I'd get you a bit early and we'd go get breakfast and sit in the car and eat and talk. Those were amazing days.

I will never stop loving you. I don't care what you or anyone else says, I cannot and will not stop loving you.

I miss you.

View

I'm sitting alone in our booth at the wing place we love. This is a truly low feeling.

Cheers to you, my darling.

Sign?

The freakiest thing just happened to me. I just got out of the shower and went into my room. I threw a pile of freshly laundered clothing onto the bed and picked up my phone to check a text message. Finished with my phone, I threw it onto my pillow and looked down. There on my bed, square in front of me, sat your business card, your name screaming up at me.

How the hell did it fall from my wallet? I haven't touched it once today. Very weirded out, I opened my wallet to return the card to its home. To my shock, there sat the card I originally put in there.

I've only ever had one of your business cards. Where this one came from and why it was sitting in the middle of my bed is beyond me. If someone is trying to tell me something, I'm not getting it. Be a little more clear next time.

I don't get freaked out easily but that's just fucking weird.

And of course it had to be something to do with you.

Repeat

Good morning Sunshine.

I love you.

I miss you.

Together

We left so much open-ended. So many things I was excited to hear about, excited to tell you about. Your first week working with your friend. My first meeting with the big boss. And things I was going to do with you. The Royal. A Marlies game. Things no one else will care about. Things that I don't want to do with anyone else.

Nothing is going to feel right. Going out, sitting at home, working, going to sleep, waking up. Everything. You were always there. Now there's no one. No one to talk to. No one who wants to hear about my day or tell me about theirs. No one I can share my deep, dark secrets with or who will share theirs with me. No one's there.

I am alone.

Restless

2am. A blinking cursor on a blank page. Can't sleep. Can't stop my mind.

You.

Work Horse

I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this. My boss now reminds me of you. I'm trying to impress the guy, show him I'm serious about my role, but when he's there all I can think about is how you would be going nuts if you could see him.

I also remember when you used to be that excited to see me. Those were good days. You may regret that, but I don't. No one has ever been that excited to see me. Not that consistently, anyway. It's a hell of a feeling. I miss it almost as much as I miss you.

At least the thought of it makes me smile.

Wow. Simply Wow.

God speaks to us. He is constantly telling us things. Whether through the Bible or though people or anything, He's always telling us something. For me, He usually uses music. Today, He didn't really tell me something but He sent me an amazing new song that perfectly lines up with my life over the past few weeks.

God is amazing.

I'll post the song hopefully tonight.

Fitting

I just bought this album. I find it amazing that it included this song that is so relevant to my life right now. Please enjoy.

I love the line, "...and I wished you well as you cut me down."

I don't mean to be self-promoting, but I ask you to please remember everything I did for you. Please remember how much you mean to me and how much I sacrificed. You need to know that if I could go back in time to that day I asked you for your number, knowing everything that will happen, I would still do it. The pain from everything between us doesn't even put a dent in the happiness you caused in me. I've said it nearly a thousand times before and I will continue that trend: I am always here for you. Any day, any time, for any reason, I am here.

I love you.

Swingn'amiss!

You asked if I took note to read from. We chuckled. But I should have. I forgot so much. Now it's too late.

InstaSad

I read this today. It was a picture someone posted on Instagram. It made me think of you.

"I wish I could hate you. I want to hate you. I try to hate you. It would be so much easier if I did hate you."

The user then posted this.

"But there's no pretending. I love you. I have always loved you. I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after death, I'll love you then."

Then I thought about it for a minute. I don't hate you. Not even remotely. I'm angry, but that is not even close to hatred. What the user added as a caption is 100% accurate when it comes to how I feel about you. I find it very difficult to believe that there's anyone out there who loves you more than I do. Yes, including him. Especially him. He doesn't love you the way a man needs to love his woman.

Sorry. Tangent.

I love you.

iDream

Darkness creeps in. I'm surrounded. There is no escape. Breathing becomes a struggle. My eyes are forced shut from the pressure. I can't move.

I can still feel your touch. I can still smell you, taste you. You're voice rings through my ears. I pry my eyes open and I see you. You reach out and hold me.

The pressure evaporates. The darkness flees. It's just you and me. I collapse to the floor. You come with me, still holding me tight. And then the tears come. An overflow of pain and love and sorrow.

"I miss you." The only words I can make my self speak.

"I miss you too, Davis."

The next words shock me. Your words.

"I love you."

Are my dreams supposed to torture me?

Alone

I remember when I used to make you smile. I remember when you used to want me around. When you used to want to see me and spend time with me.

How did I screw that up?

Lot

"I really have to go."

Probably the most disappointing and heartbreaking last words I will ever hear.

Manly

Crying in a bathroom stall is the most humiliating feeling in the world.

Probably Not

I didn't realise this job would take my life away. The only thing that keeps me going is you. You make this tolerable. You make this easy. You make me feel like I still have a life. When you aren't there...

Today you were gone.

Near Sighted

Sitting right next to you, you've never seemed so far away. I miss you so much.

Upside Up

Sometimes I find myself wondering when my life will be normal. Then I remember that for me, heartbreak is normal.

My Chair

I finally got to talk to you again! It was nice to hear your voice. I think the last time I saw you was in a mall food court about a month ago.

I know you're probably not my biggest fan now, but I really do miss you, small fry.

Skip

Either I say the wrong thing or I just don't say what I should say. Yesterday was one of those times. You got out of your car to see me and my jaw wanted to hit the floor. Simply stunning.

How do you keep doing that to me? How do you keep on blowing my mind? Shouldn't I be accustomed to your beauty by now?

Nope nope nope.

You take the breath right out of me.

Remember

I used to think that there was someone out there for me. I used to think that someone was you. We are perfect for each other. You get me. I get you. We gelled so easily and we grew so close so fast. Everything felt right. But I got clouded by my love for you. I forgot the truth I learned so long ago.

I don't deserve you. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you. I don't deserve to be happy in this life. I haven't done anything to earn it. And you deserve to be with someone better. No, it isn't him, but it's certainly not me. You deserve who will treat you like a queen without personal baggage. Someone who will never let you down. I am not that man. I do not deserve to be.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry for being the worthless sack that I am. How did a piece of shit like me every think he stood a chance with an angel like you?

401

On days like today, my heart aches more than I can hide.

Struggle

When someone hurts, you comfort them. When they are sad, you bring them cheer. When when they cry, you give them your shoulder. When life beats them down, you lift them up.

That is what a friend does, and any of this I will do for you. Any day, any time, anywhere you need me, I will be there. I have two arms to hold you and a shoulder to rest your head. Whatever you need, it is yours.

I love you, my dear friend.

Sunshine

The phone rings. Once. Twice.

"Hello?"

Your voice is so soft and quiet. I woke you up. I had hoped you'd be awake already. Well, you offered.

"Good morning! How are you?"

I always make a point to be cheery on the phone with you. Not only do you make me happy, but you deserve to hear a happy voice on the other end of the line.

"Fine."

Still groggy. Understandable. You work so hard, even on the long weekend and on your day off. I'm amazed at how you're able to do what you do.

"So should I catch the bus this morning?"

A tinge of guilt creeps up. I shouldn't be interrupting your sleep. What kind of friend am I?

"No no. I'm coming."

I push the tinge back down. I don't care. I want to see you too much to let guilt stop me from taking you up on your offer.

"Okay. I will see you soon."

There is an unbelievably big smile on my face now. You're picking me up for work! It's just past 8 am and my day has already been made. My mind goes back to the days when I would pick you up in the morning and we would eat breakfast in the car before I dropped you off. Occasionally I would come grab lunch with you and even pick you up when you finished work. Now our roles are reversed. You took me to work and came and ate lunch with me.

Who else would do that for me? What other person would get up early just to drive me to work so I don't have to spend half an hour on the bus?

No one, that's who. There's not a single person I know who would do that for me aside from you. Somehow, for some reason I don't yet know, you were sent into my life when I really do not deserve you.

You are an angel among peasants, my darling, and I will always treat you as such. You may not be mine, but you will always be my princess. Come what may, good times or bad, that will never change.

Click

And I once thought I had a chance with you. How could I stand a chance with someone like you? I never deserved you.

Duty

In moments like these, these moments of loneliness and sadness, I wish you were here next to me. You always make me feel wanted and happy.

I really miss you right now.

Pasta

You know I love you, right? You know you're the most incredible woman on the face of the planet? I wish you always remembered that. I don't deserve you. No one does.

But I wish I knew how to make you happy. That's my favorite thing in the world to do. To simply make you happy.

I love you.

Empty Office

Why does every little thing remind me of you? A song, a cloud, a car, a licence plate, a smell. You're everywhere.

Fuck I miss you.

Shout

You ever have something you want to do but you can't? Yeah. Me too.

Silent

Some days are better than others. Today would be one of those.

Motto

Backspace

I've had my text messaging screen open about twelve times today. I want to send it. I want you to hear that tone and smile. I want you to laugh when you read what I wrote to you. I want you to remember the days where that smile wouldn't leave your face. I want you to remember when you would get excited when you heard my ringtone. I want you to remember the day you got upset when I said I wouldn't send you a "good morning" message.

I want you to remember me.

I only have one message left in my phone that is from you. I saved it over a month ago. I read it every day. It simply reads, "I can't forget you!"

Do You Want A Ride?

Weary from the long day, he falls into the rocking chair, his feet overjoyed as the weight lifts from them. He cracks open the beer he's been saving for a day like this. Taking a long gulp, he sighs.

"What a day..."

A mix of emotion fills him. A mix he's never felt before. Happiness. Sadness. Joy. Grief. Elation. Anguish. He wants to laugh and sing and dance. He wants to cry and sob and hang his head. He wants to tell everyone he sees how amazing everything is now. He wants to hide from everyone because of the searing pain.

"How do I handle this? I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do."

So he does nothing. He sits and stares at the blank TV screen. He thinks about everything and nothing. He tries to make sense of his mind, but who can understand contradiction? Who can recognize confliction?

So he just sits.

I sit and think of you. Tears form in my eye as my strength falters. Tears of sadness and happiness. Tears of joyful memories and crushing loneliness. Tears of reconciliation and tears of realization that you're not here.

But you said it. You said those three little words I needed to hear. Those three little words I wasn't sure you felt.

"I miss you."

I miss you too, my Pumpkin. More than you could ever know or understand. And I'm lonely without you too. Not a day goes by where I don't find something that reminds me of you or something I want to tell you or show you. You were always there. Now there's no one.

No one to tell me that it's a JIMP cloud day. No one to tell me how amazing Rui is. No one to get mad at me when I'm late for work. No one who calls me a doofus. No one who excites me like never before. No one to talk to when I need a friend. No one who makes me smile like it's the first time I've ever been happy. No one like you.

No one.

Words

It was just a game but it was also so much more. Something so small and yet it held so much meaning. It transcended all the hard times, all the fights, all the drama. It was our one constant. No matter what, it was always there. Nothing touched it.

Until now.

I hate it now. People keep hitting that "remind" button to get me to play, but I just can't do it. Without you, I have no interest in it. Without you, why bother?

Though I say that about most things now.

Ache

I keep running to my phone, checking for a text, a call, an email, a comment, an anything from you.

Nothing.

Constant

Seriously? How do you do that? Even now, even with everything that's happened, as I'm sitting in this chair, how do you manage to blow me away?

Yup. Random Nickname.

Hey buddy,

It's me, Theodore. How have you been? I've missed you a lot. I just discovered that you've been reading my writing. I hope you like it. It's not that great but some people seem to think it's good so I hope you do too. Anyway, I just wanted to make a request.

Go easy on her. Please? That's all I ask. Just go easy on her. She loves you so much and cares so much about what you have to say. Please remember that when you get mad at her. She made me so happy. Doesn't that count for something?

Anyway, I miss you, small fry. I hope you're well.

Theo

So Close, So Far

Hi Hannah.

How are you?

How was work?

You look so beautiful today.

I love you.

I miss you.