Blue

Blue in the face, I keep going. I keep speaking. I never stop, though you tell me to. I fear that if I do, you will forget. I need this knowledge at the forefront of your mind. I need you aware at all times.

I'm here. Always.

Please don't forget.

Revisited

I'm here.

I love you.

I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you could ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die and after your death I will protect you still. I am stronger than depression and I am brave than loneliness.

And nothing will ever exhaust me.

Beholden

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

When I behold you, my darling, all I see is beauty.

Memory

I forgot how right everything becomes when you're sitting next to me. When you smile at me, everything is made better. When you touch me, all my problems melt. And when you kiss my cheek, I can't help but smile for a week.

When my best friend is sitting next to me.

Pumpkin Pie

It forms. Slowly at first, but its speed builds. The wind swirls, gaining in ferocity as its speed continues to rise. It races down to the ground, sweeping over hills and pains. It bursts past homes and buildings, whipping wildly through trees and lifting helpless leaves high into the air. It rounds the smokestack of a factory before hitting the open water. With nothing to slow it's pace, its intensity rages full, it pushes on toward the helpless couple on the water's edge.

Wind whipping around us as we walk, I stop you and reach toward your face. Fingers clothed in winter gloves, I awkwardly pull the stray hairs from your lips. Walking along the lake this cold December day, the overcast skies and dead plants can't detract from the beauty in my vision. But not a fraction of that beauty comes from the natural scenery surrounding me. It's standing in front of me, practically choking on her hair that the wild winter wind stuck to her lip gloss.

Finally, her lips from vagrant hair, we continue our stroll along the lake. My effort quickly proves useless as the unyielding wind continues it's assault and forces more hair to her lips. But despite frequent stops to correct her errant strands, we enjoy our walk, the first in far too long.

Nearly back to our car but not yet ready to leave, we find respite under a nearby gazebo. You are so beautiful. I know I shouldn't think that, but I am only human. How can I deny what is in front of me?

I step toward you and reach my arms around you. Bundled against the cold in bulky jackets and gloves, it is an awkward hug but it is a godsend. I haven't been able to just hold you in so long. The sight of your pain-filled eyes flashes in my head and I squeeze you even tighter. If you hadn't pulled away we'd probably still be standing there, holding each other in our awkward, meaningful embrace.

But this is reality. You pull away and we walk back to the car, your arm once again in mine. Then it occurs to me. You lied to me. You said you wouldn't get me a Christmas present and yet, here you are, giving me the best gift a guy could ever ask for.

Merry Christmas my Pumpkin Pie

Fiver

You raised your hand to give me a high five. All because you're proud of me. I actually did something to make someone proud. That is a moment worth remembering.

Thank you for such amazing support.

The Past

I wonder, how will you remember me? Will you remember the happy-go-lucky guy you met back in April? Will you remember the sad, pathetic guy who yearned for your affection? Will you remember the frustrated, miserable guy who just wanted a friend?

Or will you remember me? The guy who put you first over everyone. The guy who treated your wish as a command. The guy you laughed your guts out with almost every day. The guy who could somehow blow your mind with a 9 or by cleaning your glasses. The guy who was always there, day or night, rain or shine. The guy who had nothing but love and kind words for you no matter how you treated him.

Who will you remember?

I will remember you. The girl who made me step outside my comfort zone and experience a little bit of life with her. The girl who would always make time, no matter the tasks on her plate. The girl who knew best and made sure I benefited from it. The girl who was lonely and just wanted her friend there to talk to.

That's who I will remember.

But there are two images stuck in my head of the girl I love so dearly.

I remember her in her yellow top, walking up to me at work, my heart pounding at the sight of her.

I remember her jumping out of her car, completely exited to see me, yelling "Happy birthday!!" and leaping into my arms.

You criticize me for living in the past, but my darling, the past is all I have left of you.

Dinner

You did that? For me?

It was the tiniest of gestures, so miniscule I doubt you even noticed. But I did. I almost had to do a double take.

I didn't ask you for it but you did it because you wanted to. That's what really floored me.

On a day like any other, you came and said goodbye. The smallest of gestures.

You made my day.

You

My life is empty. My days are lonely. You are gone. I am still here.

Please come back.

E.L.

Remember that spot where we would go biking or take a blanket to lie on the grass and watch the clouds? I'll be there. Every chance I get, every free moment I find, I will be there, waiting for you. No matter the time spent or the gas burned, it's all worth it to wait for you.

So if you ever want to talk, if you ever want a friend to hold you when you're down, come by that spot. I'll be there. Waiting for you.

Zippity

I walk.

My mind drifts. Cars speed past as I walk. I barely notice. My mind is everywhere and nowhere. Houses come and go as I walk. My feet begin to ache. I trudge on. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel pain. So I force it out. I refuse to feel. My brain stops accepting signals from my body. I just walk.

I arrive.

Finally. I step inside and simply stop.  Without the distraction of putting one foot in front of the other, the pain floods in. My body, weary and broken, is ready to collapse. Then, before my legs have a chance to give out, my phone rings. Your face fills the screen. I answer.

"Hello?"

The rest... Well, the rest doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's filled with you. It doesn't matter what we did our where we went or what happened while we were there. You were there with me. What else could possibly matter? The world's most incredible woman is sitting next to me and she's my friend.

Yeah. Be jealous.

Left

One word. That's all it takes. To lift spirits or crush them, you just need to know the right word.

Somehow, you always say the right words.

None

The darkness hides the clouds overhead. Snowflakes fall from from the darkness onto the silent street. Rows of houses line either side, lawns and roofs decorated in bright lights and colourful characters. It's a happy sight.

I'm standing in the snow, my jacket a poor shield against the cold. I stare into the house, the light streaming from the window illuminates my face.

Happiness is what I see inside. A family sitting down to Christmas dinner, each member simply happy to be together. Equal warmth radiates from fireplace and familial hearts. Even the coldest heart would warm at the sight.

But that warmth can't escape the confines of the window. No matter how hard I stare, no matter how long, I still feel nothing but winter's cold embrace.

It is a metaphor. It is my life. My life has always been, and always will be, me standing outside looking in. I will always be the one longing for happiness as I watch others find happiness in one another.

I don't need a family for warmth of heart or a fire for warmth of body. I need one person. One person who will stand outside that window with me. One person who will brave the cold to be with me. One who will hold me to share my warmth as I share hers. One who will find my frigid lips more inviting than a blazing fireplace. I just need her. I just need one.

But there exists none for me.

Oh Yeah!

I walk into the lunch room and look to my right. There you are. From behind the receiving desk I look towards the store front. There you are. I feel the keys in my pocket. You. The lip balm on my lips. You. The origami heart in my wallet. You.

Each of these and dozens, no, hundreds more are each tied to a memory of you. Who would I be without those memories? Without those little pieces of you?

I'm surrounded by little pieces of happiness.

Silence

Sometimes, though I try so hard, I really have no words to speak.

You're beautiful. I love you.

Most Perfect

Did you know that I'm a very shallow guy? That's right. I find imperfections and I chose whether or not to pursue that girl based on them. Too fat, too tall, too whatever, that's what I do. It's horrible, I know, but I do it.

So, why do you think I started talking to you? Why do you think I asked for your number? Was it because you had an amazing personality? How could it be? I didn't know you! Was it because of your intelligence? Same answer. Was it because you impress me with your work? Back then I was under the impression that you weren't that good.

No, it wasn't any of those things. I started talking to you because I was pursuing a pretty girl. Not one too fat. Not one too tall. A very pretty, sexy, beautiful girl. I have a soft spot for pretty girls and you instantly made the top of that list.

I don't remember the first time I saw you but when I think back as early as I can remember, I remember you walking in, all bundled up against the cold. You were so beautiful in your black jacket and your scarf wrapped snugly around your neck. We chatted for a while before you had to get to work. I don't remember a thing we talked about but man, I must have made a huge fool of myself. All I remember thinking is, "Damn this girl is hot!" I don't know how I could have held an intelligent conversation staring at you the whole time. How I do it now is a mystery!

You call yourself fat and ugly. Aside from how insulting you're being to yourself, think about what you're saying about me! Are you saying that my standards are low? That I like fat, ugly girls? That's insulting! I have unreasonably high standards. Standards that you surpassed higher than anyone ever has. Higher than my first girlfriend, higher than that girl I was stuck on for a few years, higher than the girl I had a summer romance with. Your beauty makes them look like cave trolls. I look at them now and wonder what I ever saw in them.

You are beautiful, my pumpkin. More beautiful than I ever imagined anyone could be. Every time I see you I long to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. I want to hold you and never let go, my beautiful angel.

You are perfect just the way you are.

Stolen

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change because you're amazing just the way you are.

Candid Camera

Sometimes, no matter how often you smile, no matter how hard you try, you just can't shake the sadness that follows you through every moment. Sometimes, all the good news in the world isn't enough to lift your soul out of the gutter. All the friends in the world aren't enough to make you any less lonely. Today, I think, is one of those times.

Lean On Me

Remember to smile. Remember to laugh. Remember to keep your chin up. I know you feel down, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to persevere and reach it. When you're not strong, I'll be here. I'll carry you the entire way if you ask me to.

Blast From the Past

"Your beauty is so much more than physical. Your mind makes you sexy. Your humour makes you tempting. Your intelligence makes you irresistible."

I wrote that a few months ago. I'm amazed at my eloquence. But what really grabbed my attention is how true it is. There's no one I've seen who can match your physical beauty and I'm convinced that they don't exist, but your true attractiveness comes from who you are. Your mind, humour and intelligence are just the tip of the iceberg. Your strength of will, your determination, your sheer tenacity in the face of adversity. All these and more add up to the sum of the most amazing woman in existence.

Damn homie, I'm so lucky to know you.

Dear Friend

When I am with you, you turn bad days into good days. You turn good days into great days. You turn great days into the best days of life.

When I am with you, your smile warms my heart. You laughter lifts my spirits. Your mere presence is enough to set me at ease. Everything is okay when I am with you.

When I am with you, I am happy. I can live happy and I can die happy.

When I am with you.

Wildest

The girl of my dreams has nothing on you.

Damn homie.

And Ever

Yeah. Yeah I am jealous. Who wouldn't be? Look at you. Gorgeous. Sexy. A bombshell. I'm luckier than every man but one, and I wasn't what he has. I want it so bad. No, I'm not just talking about that. I'm definitely including it, but not it alone. He has your heart. He has your body. He has you.

I want you.

Okay... Enough of that. Back to the dark corners of my mind. As long as you belong to someone else, I cannot let those feelings to the surface. This was far too much as it is.

Please forgive my ever hopeful heart.

I love you.

Yup

Hmm... It's 2am and I can't sleep. I'm starting to regret hanging out in my car until midnight. 7am is approaching quickly. Damn.

Tomorrow

Shitty end to an awesome day, but an awesome day indeed.

Thanks to you.

Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

Grip

These memories I have. They warm my heart. You'd probably prefer to forget many of them, but for me, I hold onto them as tightly as I can.

One memory in particular just came to me last night. I had forgotten it ever happened until I thought of it then. Now it may be my favorite memory of you, though it's probably one of those you'd rather forget. But I will carry it with me as long as humanly possible.

Damn, you're amazing.

Holy--

I have a permanent smile on my face. I have the best friends a guy could ever ask for. And yes, you're at the top of that list.

What spawned this particular post, you ask? Just a few texts I received last night that shot my heart into my throat. Shock, excitement and dread hit me at once. A whirlpool of happiness and sadness hit me in the face. But in true you fashion, it was all a joke. A prank to get an extreme reaction out of me. Well, you got me. Well played, my friend. Well played.

Thank you.

Real

A friend once told me, "Love is saying things that aren't true to make the one you love happy."

For a while, I thought that was true. Saying what a person wants to hear, within reason, sounded like love to me. Doing whatever it takes to make them happy.

But that's not true at all. How stupid I was. Love isn't lying to make someone happy. Love is saying the things you don't want to say, and meaning what you say at the same time. Love is being sincere in saying the things that make your stomach roll. Love, real love, is saying and doing everything you can to make the one you love happy, even when it breaks your heart at the same time.

But there's one more part to it. Real love is when doing all this makes you happier than anything else could, even through the tears of your broken heart. Real love is not dependant on love in return. That's what real love is.

And I am so very happy.

Pop

A so-so morning. A hectic work day. A fun lunch break. An amazing time after work. A job well done. An impending goodbye.

Then you drop the question.

"You want sushi?"

Some days are good, some are great. Some have awesome surprises, and then there was today.

An entire language at my fingertips but I don't have a single word to describe what you do to me.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you.

Fordwich

The day we went for wings with everyone and that day I visited you at work in the evening. These two days have something in common.

One street.

This little street I have never had a need to know it's name, much less drive on it. Now, it is among my favorite streets because of those two days.

Do you know the connection? Do you know why I think of you and smile every time I pass it by? I'll give you a small hint. Just think of my shirts

I hope you smile too.

Ideas

Hmm... Yesterday I had an idea.

I think I should start a new blog. A blog specifically for short stories. I actually have a bunch of ideas but I'm not sure if I want to post them here or on a separate page. A close friend of mine used to encourage me to write a novel but she stopped because I was adamant that I couldn't. Well, I still don't think I can but that's just because I don't have the experience writing fiction. The best way to learn is to just do it. It may be terrible at first, but maybe over time the quality of my writing will rise. Maybe then, my friend, I can take on the daunting task of writing a novel.

To all my readers I don't know personally, thank you so much for reading. It's very encouraging to see how often you check in for posts. And to you, my friend, your support and continued reading is the biggest support and encouragement I could ever ask for. You actually like my writing! It is so humbling to know that you're not just telling me that to make feel good. Thank you.

:)(:

I've missed you so much.

You're right there. I can see you. If I lifted up my arm, I could touch you. Sitting here, all I want to do is hold you. It's been so long.

I've missed you so much. I want you to tell me you missed me too. I want you to bury your nose into my shirt and tell me how amazing I smell. That's right, it's freshly washed. I want you to say you wish everything was better. I want you to say and do everything you used to. Yes, clearly I want way too damn much.

I have missed you so much, my dear friend. As I sit here, vainly trying to learn how to do my job, all I can think about is how close you are. Finally, I get to see your face again, hear your voice again. I'm happy. It will fade, I know, along with your presence, but it is true happiness.

I'm smiling, my darling. Inside and out. I hope you are too.

:)

Note To Self

My dearest D,

There will be days when your heart sinks. Days when, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot muster a smile, not a smirk. On those days, think of me. Think of our history, of everything we've been through. Remember all the laughs and smiles and hugs. Hell, even remember the kisses. Remember what we were. I wasn't the best, but for a time, I was yours, and you made me so happy. I know that deep down, that was enough for you. That's all you wanted. To make someone happy. Well, my darling, you did. Always remember that. And hold onto that as long as you need to. If that memory brings a smile to your face, keep it as long as you need it. As for me, I'm so glad you came.

I love you, my friend.

H

Come On

Sometimes, when you're being called out, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut and take the blame. Don't point your finger at someone else. Don't play dumb. Don't give your weak reasons and excuses. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your actions or lack thereof. Everyone can come up with a quick reason why they did or didn't do something they should or shouldn't have done, but it's transparent and visible a mile away. If you fucked up, admit you fucked up,  take what comes of it and learn from it to succeed the next time. A noob like me shouldn't look more professional than those of you who have been doing this for years. Seriously, just man the fuck up. That goes for you too, ladies.

/rant

Napkins

Hey Small Fry!

I didn't forget you! On the contrary, I actually miss you a whole bunch! Maybe you could come out to one of those dinners you're sister and I are supposed to have someday with our friends. It would be so nice to see you!

Remember that time we were all on the phone and we played that game where we had to list a country or city or something that started with the last letter of the previous person's country or city? That was such an awesome night! We were on the phone for so long! Man, I was terrible! You guys whooped my ass! If we ever hang out again, I know a game you two will absolutely love. (And most likely whoop my ass in it as well.) I hope we get to play someday.

Anyway, I miss those good ol' days.

Miss you buddy.

Jarvis

He could totally be a Jarvis. ;)

Lobster

Visited Jarna at her store today! I miss her! She's the best!

Surprise

I'm sorry you're lonely. I am too. I think of you every day. A lot, actually. But it's that thought of you that puts a smile on my face. I have not doubted for a moment that you will not leave my life completely, that someday you will be back. You can call me naïve or overly hopeful but I believe it completely. Yes, I miss you a great deal, but I know that it is only temporary. Someday, somehow, we will be the friends we should be allowed to be. On that day, the loneliness will fade to a dull memory quickly forgotten. On that day, I hope you find some happiness. I know I will.

As for the other things on your mind, I think you're worrying a little too much. You're on track to do great things. You're already working in a great field with an awesome salary! And you're amazing at it! You have nothing to fret about, my dear. You are on your way to greatness. I can see it.

Keep your chin up, darling. You may not believe that happiness is a destination, but it is something you have to work towards. Keep reading for it. You'll get there. And I'm here to help you anytime you need me. Any time. Any place. Promise.

And keep smiling. You have the most beautiful smile.

I love you.

:)

Can't stop.

Age

Look at you. You did it again. Even as far outside my life as you are, you still blow my mind and make my day. How you can do that is a mystery to me. But I'm not in a rush to figure it out. Not as long as you keep doing it.

You fucking blow my mind.

Helpless

So tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

-From "White Black Page" by Mumford & Sons

Old Times

I walked into the lunch room and looked into your old office. A habit I picked up back in April that I haven't been able to drop. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. There, in your old chair, sat you.

A quick second glance proved my sight false. It wasn't you. It was a new hire with a startlingly similar hair style from behind. But she was too short to be you. And a little fat. You aren't fat.

Anyway, I have fifteen minutes to get my heart back down to normal rhythm.

greyman81

Sorry about that. It was worth a shot, you know? But I made sure Johnny won't stop playing. It's the least I could do. Whoop his ass, buddy. :)

Bored Photos

If a picture is worth a thousand words, your beauty in person is a dictionary.

Though the amount of cheesiness in that statement is illegal, it holds true. While a picture of you is more beautiful than any woman I've ever seen, it doesn't even come close to doing you justice.

I hope I see you again. I miss you.

Waiting

I can't wait.

Aslin

A week since I last posted here.

You told me to let you go. I told you I can't.

I won't.

A week gone by and I'm still here, whatever and whenever you need.

Still

I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I will be here for you always.

Always.

When the Moon

Oh how beautiful you are. Even a mere photo of you blows my mind to bits.

You are so beautiful to me.

Comfort

In the darkness, I turn to my music and you are there.

I am no longer alone.

Change

I can't let sadness be my only inspiration. It can't be my only drive. I need to see the positive in my life, use it as fuel to write more often, more skillfully.

Yes. There is overwhelming sadness in my life, but it helps no one to focus entirely on it. It certainly does not help me. What I must try to do is focus on the good in my life. I must write about it and share it with whoever wants to listen. I want to have a positive impact on people, especially you.

It will be hard, but I have found that I can do a great deal when it's for you.

Ouch

Walked home today. Lots of time to do nothing but think.

Holy fuck, I miss you.

Alone

Just another day. Another day without you.

Please

I'm trying. Can't you understand that? Can't you understand that this is incredibly hard for me? I try not to talk about it but I've lost sleep over this. I lose my appetite on the worst days. I'm falling apart.

So I took an opportunity to call you about something. No, it wasn't entirely about that. I wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice. But you answered so coldly, almost angrily. So much for something to cheer me up a bit.

Can't you understand? I just wanted something to smile about, something to feel happy about. I trudge through every day, barely touched by my surroundings. The smiles and laughter I muster just come from the surface, not the heart. I'm not happy. I called you so that maybe I could be happy about something, even just for one night.

I'm broken, Hannah.

Of Course

No car. Forgot bus fare. Pouring rain. Fantastic.

To A Fault

Why do I still make a point to stay up until at least 10:30?

So Bad

It comes and goes in patches. Sometimes things are what they are, and other times things couldn't be worse. Right now is the latter.

I miss you so bad right now.

Finale

Sometimes, all it takes it's one little thing to turn a bad day into a good one. But sometimes again, all it takes is a small realization to give that good day a sour note.

Such good news! I wanted to laugh and dance and sing! I wanted to shout it out loud! I wanted to call you and tell you that moment!

Oh... Right. I can't.

You're gone. There's no one who cares about this good news aside from you. No one who will want to listen. No one will even be happy for me.

You would have been so excited to hear.

Damn.

I miss you, buddy.

Imagination

Okay, seriously. These dreams have got to stop. There's only so much a guy can take. I miss her enough while I'm conscious. Can I not have a few hours to escape the pain? Just a few hours of rest that don't result in me waking up more sad than when I went to sleep?

Warm Inside

Your smile. It would brighten every aspect of my life if I could just see you smile for me.

Hell, it would probably heal cancer too.

Doormat

A guy and his girlfriend, another girl and her boyfriend, and me. No girl at my side, no buddy to chat with. Just me. At the table, girl sits across from girl, guy sits across from guy, and I sit across from no one. I check my phone every five minutes for replies to the half dozen texts I sent out in hopes of some friendly company. Not one.

So alone I sit, trying my best to join in in the conversations at the table despite my disadvantageous seat. I smile and laugh and make jokes as much as I can but it feels empty, hollow. There's only so much I can do against this much loneliness. Against the overwhelming feeling that I don't belong, that I am the sore thumb.

But this is my life. I am alone. I am the odd one out. I am the loser who will continue to thanklessly sacrifice himself for the happiness of others. This is me.

I miss you.

SH

I'm going out with JJ and DM tonight. Oh how I wish there was an SH coming too.

To Clarify

I know you miss me. I know you wish things were better, that this didn't have to happen. I'm sorry for frustrating you with my questions. But sometimes it's hard to remember. Sometimes it feels like you hate me, like you don't want me in your life. I know that's not true, but it feels like it sometimes. Please just remember that these questions come from my crippling insecurity. I know how you feel deep down. I promise.

I miss you.

I love you.

(Just in case I hadn't said it in the last few minutes.)

Versary

Did you know that last Sunday was the 14th? Six months to the day. I owe you dinner, I guess.

Not...

...worth a damn, am I? Not to you. Not to anyone. Not even me anymore.

I don't know what I am. But whatever I am, I'm not worth a damn.

Asleep

I always make the worst decisions.

Pretend

My name never sounded so sweet. You make everything sound beautiful. After five long days and even longer nights, my heart can't stop singing.

Nice

I wish I could go for a walk with you today. It's a beautiful day for a walk with a beautiful girl. We could've met at the park and just walked. Walked to the swings and laughed as we swung higher and higher next to each other. Then lie on a blanket and watch the clouds go by and maybe even watch the sunset.

That would have been a nice thing to do today.

But I'm alone.

Day 4

Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days.

I walked home from work today. Despite seeing a few friends, I couldn't be cheered up beyond what I showed on the surface. The last time I talked to you was Sunday. Four days ago. The last time you stopped speaking to me, we spoke four days later. Of course that would be the first thing on my mind as I woke up today. It hasn't left my mind yet.

Now it's 9:30 and you haven't called. You haven't sent me a text. You didn't swing by my work. It's day four of complete silence. You don't even comment on my posts or play the one game we had that was never affected by our personal problems. But in my mind, you're still right there. It's like you're just outside my vision, just out of reach. But I know you're there. It's maddening.

Today is a very bad day.

Doubt

If I called you, would you talk to me? If I asked how you're doing, would you tell me? Would you ask how I am? Would you even answer at all?

Do you even miss me?

Irreplaceable

God help me, my heart is broken.

Blind

I thought I saw you three times today on my walk home. I long to see your face, to hear your voice. This broken record of a man misses you so much.

Quote of Today

The first to help you up are the ones who know how it feels to fall down.

Achievement Unlocked

Back in January I posted this. My goal was to post 52 entries on my blog. Not counting that and this one, for the year of 2012, I have posted exactly 104, double the goal I set for myself. In fact, if I keep up my current pace, I may end up posting around 52 in the month of October alone. For contrast, for the entire year of 2011, I posted 54. I have come a long way.

I've been through many ups and downs since I made that resolution. Exhilarating highs and debilitating lows. But can I complain? Well, of course I can, but I won't. It's because of those highs and lows that I was able to write so much and, from my perspective, grow my skills as a writer. I wouldn't call myself a talented writer in any sense, but I think I've grown and become better at it than I ever thought possible.

Maybe it's time for a new goal, seeing as I've destroyed the last one. What I would like to work on next is fiction. I want to try my hand at narrative writing. I've dabbled in it in the past and it's all been terrible, but maybe I can take what little experience I have from writing this blog and use it to write a half decent story.

But all that aside, I want to thank one person. One person very dear to me who was the sole inspiration in reaching my goal so overwhelmingly. If you've read all or most of my posts for the past few months, you've probably figured out that she is the subject of nearly every single one. Though she may have been the cause of many of my lowest lows, she was also the cause of every one of my highest highs. She isn't in my life anymore but I do have faith that she will be again one day, sooner or later, and I cannot wait for that day. I will welcome her back with open arms and tears of joy and immediately offer to clean the mud off her glasses. And if I do ever write that story, first on the list of dedications will be her, the one who pushed me to write it in the first place.

I love you, buddy. I miss you.

<4

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Hmm... I'm getting some fairly regular traffic from the United States. Is that you browsing from your work computer or do I have some other readers from down south? Either way, I'd love to hear from you! I'm very curious to know if I have readers in the States! :-)

Nadia

Why don't I ever dream when I'm happy? I love happy dreams! Well, if things were different, my dream last night would have been amazing! I wasn't going to write about it but that would drive you crazy, wouldn't it?

It wasn't anything crazy or ridiculous. You just called me while I was driving and we went out for dinner. There were some irregularities that seemed normal until I woke up, but overall it was a simple, happy dream that made me sad because no matter how many times I check my phone, you haven't sent a message. No matter how many times it rings, it's never you calling. No matter how many times I look out the window, it's never you sitting in your car waiting for me.

Maybe you're sick of reading this, but you have no idea how much I miss you. I wish I thought that you miss me too.

Laundry Time

Memories

Do you ever get so lost in thought while you're driving? You suddenly "wake up" somewhere but can't remember how you got there? That happened to me tonight. I woke up as I was turning onto the street that leads to your house.

I didn't mean to go that route. I avoid that area because I'm always afraid that you'll see me and think that I'm stalking you. I'm a creep but I'm not a stalker.

Going by brought back so many memories. Remember when I used to pick you up for work in the morning? Sometimes I'd get you a bit early and we'd go get breakfast and sit in the car and eat and talk. Those were amazing days.

I will never stop loving you. I don't care what you or anyone else says, I cannot and will not stop loving you.

I miss you.

View

I'm sitting alone in our booth at the wing place we love. This is a truly low feeling.

Cheers to you, my darling.

Sign?

The freakiest thing just happened to me. I just got out of the shower and went into my room. I threw a pile of freshly laundered clothing onto the bed and picked up my phone to check a text message. Finished with my phone, I threw it onto my pillow and looked down. There on my bed, square in front of me, sat your business card, your name screaming up at me.

How the hell did it fall from my wallet? I haven't touched it once today. Very weirded out, I opened my wallet to return the card to its home. To my shock, there sat the card I originally put in there.

I've only ever had one of your business cards. Where this one came from and why it was sitting in the middle of my bed is beyond me. If someone is trying to tell me something, I'm not getting it. Be a little more clear next time.

I don't get freaked out easily but that's just fucking weird.

And of course it had to be something to do with you.

Repeat

Good morning Sunshine.

I love you.

I miss you.

Together

We left so much open-ended. So many things I was excited to hear about, excited to tell you about. Your first week working with your friend. My first meeting with the big boss. And things I was going to do with you. The Royal. A Marlies game. Things no one else will care about. Things that I don't want to do with anyone else.

Nothing is going to feel right. Going out, sitting at home, working, going to sleep, waking up. Everything. You were always there. Now there's no one. No one to talk to. No one who wants to hear about my day or tell me about theirs. No one I can share my deep, dark secrets with or who will share theirs with me. No one's there.

I am alone.

Restless

2am. A blinking cursor on a blank page. Can't sleep. Can't stop my mind.

You.

Work Horse

I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this. My boss now reminds me of you. I'm trying to impress the guy, show him I'm serious about my role, but when he's there all I can think about is how you would be going nuts if you could see him.

I also remember when you used to be that excited to see me. Those were good days. You may regret that, but I don't. No one has ever been that excited to see me. Not that consistently, anyway. It's a hell of a feeling. I miss it almost as much as I miss you.

At least the thought of it makes me smile.

Wow. Simply Wow.

God speaks to us. He is constantly telling us things. Whether through the Bible or though people or anything, He's always telling us something. For me, He usually uses music. Today, He didn't really tell me something but He sent me an amazing new song that perfectly lines up with my life over the past few weeks.

God is amazing.

I'll post the song hopefully tonight.

Fitting

I just bought this album. I find it amazing that it included this song that is so relevant to my life right now. Please enjoy.

I love the line, "...and I wished you well as you cut me down."

I don't mean to be self-promoting, but I ask you to please remember everything I did for you. Please remember how much you mean to me and how much I sacrificed. You need to know that if I could go back in time to that day I asked you for your number, knowing everything that will happen, I would still do it. The pain from everything between us doesn't even put a dent in the happiness you caused in me. I've said it nearly a thousand times before and I will continue that trend: I am always here for you. Any day, any time, for any reason, I am here.

I love you.

Swingn'amiss!

You asked if I took note to read from. We chuckled. But I should have. I forgot so much. Now it's too late.

InstaSad

I read this today. It was a picture someone posted on Instagram. It made me think of you.

"I wish I could hate you. I want to hate you. I try to hate you. It would be so much easier if I did hate you."

The user then posted this.

"But there's no pretending. I love you. I have always loved you. I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after death, I'll love you then."

Then I thought about it for a minute. I don't hate you. Not even remotely. I'm angry, but that is not even close to hatred. What the user added as a caption is 100% accurate when it comes to how I feel about you. I find it very difficult to believe that there's anyone out there who loves you more than I do. Yes, including him. Especially him. He doesn't love you the way a man needs to love his woman.

Sorry. Tangent.

I love you.

iDream

Darkness creeps in. I'm surrounded. There is no escape. Breathing becomes a struggle. My eyes are forced shut from the pressure. I can't move.

I can still feel your touch. I can still smell you, taste you. You're voice rings through my ears. I pry my eyes open and I see you. You reach out and hold me.

The pressure evaporates. The darkness flees. It's just you and me. I collapse to the floor. You come with me, still holding me tight. And then the tears come. An overflow of pain and love and sorrow.

"I miss you." The only words I can make my self speak.

"I miss you too, Davis."

The next words shock me. Your words.

"I love you."

Are my dreams supposed to torture me?

Alone

I remember when I used to make you smile. I remember when you used to want me around. When you used to want to see me and spend time with me.

How did I screw that up?

Lot

"I really have to go."

Probably the most disappointing and heartbreaking last words I will ever hear.

Manly

Crying in a bathroom stall is the most humiliating feeling in the world.

Probably Not

I didn't realise this job would take my life away. The only thing that keeps me going is you. You make this tolerable. You make this easy. You make me feel like I still have a life. When you aren't there...

Today you were gone.

Near Sighted

Sitting right next to you, you've never seemed so far away. I miss you so much.

Upside Up

Sometimes I find myself wondering when my life will be normal. Then I remember that for me, heartbreak is normal.

My Chair

I finally got to talk to you again! It was nice to hear your voice. I think the last time I saw you was in a mall food court about a month ago.

I know you're probably not my biggest fan now, but I really do miss you, small fry.

Skip

Either I say the wrong thing or I just don't say what I should say. Yesterday was one of those times. You got out of your car to see me and my jaw wanted to hit the floor. Simply stunning.

How do you keep doing that to me? How do you keep on blowing my mind? Shouldn't I be accustomed to your beauty by now?

Nope nope nope.

You take the breath right out of me.

Remember

I used to think that there was someone out there for me. I used to think that someone was you. We are perfect for each other. You get me. I get you. We gelled so easily and we grew so close so fast. Everything felt right. But I got clouded by my love for you. I forgot the truth I learned so long ago.

I don't deserve you. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you. I don't deserve to be happy in this life. I haven't done anything to earn it. And you deserve to be with someone better. No, it isn't him, but it's certainly not me. You deserve who will treat you like a queen without personal baggage. Someone who will never let you down. I am not that man. I do not deserve to be.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. I'm sorry for being the worthless sack that I am. How did a piece of shit like me every think he stood a chance with an angel like you?

401

On days like today, my heart aches more than I can hide.

Struggle

When someone hurts, you comfort them. When they are sad, you bring them cheer. When when they cry, you give them your shoulder. When life beats them down, you lift them up.

That is what a friend does, and any of this I will do for you. Any day, any time, anywhere you need me, I will be there. I have two arms to hold you and a shoulder to rest your head. Whatever you need, it is yours.

I love you, my dear friend.

Sunshine

The phone rings. Once. Twice.

"Hello?"

Your voice is so soft and quiet. I woke you up. I had hoped you'd be awake already. Well, you offered.

"Good morning! How are you?"

I always make a point to be cheery on the phone with you. Not only do you make me happy, but you deserve to hear a happy voice on the other end of the line.

"Fine."

Still groggy. Understandable. You work so hard, even on the long weekend and on your day off. I'm amazed at how you're able to do what you do.

"So should I catch the bus this morning?"

A tinge of guilt creeps up. I shouldn't be interrupting your sleep. What kind of friend am I?

"No no. I'm coming."

I push the tinge back down. I don't care. I want to see you too much to let guilt stop me from taking you up on your offer.

"Okay. I will see you soon."

There is an unbelievably big smile on my face now. You're picking me up for work! It's just past 8 am and my day has already been made. My mind goes back to the days when I would pick you up in the morning and we would eat breakfast in the car before I dropped you off. Occasionally I would come grab lunch with you and even pick you up when you finished work. Now our roles are reversed. You took me to work and came and ate lunch with me.

Who else would do that for me? What other person would get up early just to drive me to work so I don't have to spend half an hour on the bus?

No one, that's who. There's not a single person I know who would do that for me aside from you. Somehow, for some reason I don't yet know, you were sent into my life when I really do not deserve you.

You are an angel among peasants, my darling, and I will always treat you as such. You may not be mine, but you will always be my princess. Come what may, good times or bad, that will never change.

Click

And I once thought I had a chance with you. How could I stand a chance with someone like you? I never deserved you.

Duty

In moments like these, these moments of loneliness and sadness, I wish you were here next to me. You always make me feel wanted and happy.

I really miss you right now.

Pasta

You know I love you, right? You know you're the most incredible woman on the face of the planet? I wish you always remembered that. I don't deserve you. No one does.

But I wish I knew how to make you happy. That's my favorite thing in the world to do. To simply make you happy.

I love you.

Empty Office

Why does every little thing remind me of you? A song, a cloud, a car, a licence plate, a smell. You're everywhere.

Fuck I miss you.

Shout

You ever have something you want to do but you can't? Yeah. Me too.

Silent

Some days are better than others. Today would be one of those.

Motto

Backspace

I've had my text messaging screen open about twelve times today. I want to send it. I want you to hear that tone and smile. I want you to laugh when you read what I wrote to you. I want you to remember the days where that smile wouldn't leave your face. I want you to remember when you would get excited when you heard my ringtone. I want you to remember the day you got upset when I said I wouldn't send you a "good morning" message.

I want you to remember me.

I only have one message left in my phone that is from you. I saved it over a month ago. I read it every day. It simply reads, "I can't forget you!"

Do You Want A Ride?

Weary from the long day, he falls into the rocking chair, his feet overjoyed as the weight lifts from them. He cracks open the beer he's been saving for a day like this. Taking a long gulp, he sighs.

"What a day..."

A mix of emotion fills him. A mix he's never felt before. Happiness. Sadness. Joy. Grief. Elation. Anguish. He wants to laugh and sing and dance. He wants to cry and sob and hang his head. He wants to tell everyone he sees how amazing everything is now. He wants to hide from everyone because of the searing pain.

"How do I handle this? I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do."

So he does nothing. He sits and stares at the blank TV screen. He thinks about everything and nothing. He tries to make sense of his mind, but who can understand contradiction? Who can recognize confliction?

So he just sits.

I sit and think of you. Tears form in my eye as my strength falters. Tears of sadness and happiness. Tears of joyful memories and crushing loneliness. Tears of reconciliation and tears of realization that you're not here.

But you said it. You said those three little words I needed to hear. Those three little words I wasn't sure you felt.

"I miss you."

I miss you too, my Pumpkin. More than you could ever know or understand. And I'm lonely without you too. Not a day goes by where I don't find something that reminds me of you or something I want to tell you or show you. You were always there. Now there's no one.

No one to tell me that it's a JIMP cloud day. No one to tell me how amazing Rui is. No one to get mad at me when I'm late for work. No one who calls me a doofus. No one who excites me like never before. No one to talk to when I need a friend. No one who makes me smile like it's the first time I've ever been happy. No one like you.

No one.

Words

It was just a game but it was also so much more. Something so small and yet it held so much meaning. It transcended all the hard times, all the fights, all the drama. It was our one constant. No matter what, it was always there. Nothing touched it.

Until now.

I hate it now. People keep hitting that "remind" button to get me to play, but I just can't do it. Without you, I have no interest in it. Without you, why bother?

Though I say that about most things now.

Ache

I keep running to my phone, checking for a text, a call, an email, a comment, an anything from you.

Nothing.

Constant

Seriously? How do you do that? Even now, even with everything that's happened, as I'm sitting in this chair, how do you manage to blow me away?

Yup. Random Nickname.

Hey buddy,

It's me, Theodore. How have you been? I've missed you a lot. I just discovered that you've been reading my writing. I hope you like it. It's not that great but some people seem to think it's good so I hope you do too. Anyway, I just wanted to make a request.

Go easy on her. Please? That's all I ask. Just go easy on her. She loves you so much and cares so much about what you have to say. Please remember that when you get mad at her. She made me so happy. Doesn't that count for something?

Anyway, I miss you, small fry. I hope you're well.

Theo

So Close, So Far

Hi Hannah.

How are you?

How was work?

You look so beautiful today.

I love you.

I miss you.

Ummm...

Who's going to clean your glasses?

Day 3

Work. Pretty much it. Got to know a new friend a bit better. She's pretty awesome and really talented. After work I just went home, listened to music and then went to bed. Blah day overall.

Oh. And I missed you today. A lot. I cried. The pain won't go away. All I can do is ignore it but I can't do that forever. The pain is catching up and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I love you.

Appropriate

Quote of the day from Men in Black:

J: It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

K: You try it.

Day 2

Awesome day! I got to meet and work with two amazing people at my job today. We had a lot of fun! And despite taking the bus home and being exhausted, I had s room of energy!

Then I took my little sister to her first ball game ever and we sat in the second row just behind third base. I'm glad my tickets didn't go to waste and I was still able to surprise someone and make their day!

Now I gotta had off to bed. Work starts at nine tomorrow morning. It may be a frustrating day but I look forward to it! Keeping busy and occupied is my number one priority! I can't let this life beat me down. I'm beat down quite enough already.

Day 1

Managed to not kill myself yesterday. I randomly got to see a few friends I haven't seen in a while. That was so great. My friends who know what's going on are being so supportive, even to a bit of a fault. They are so amazing and I don't deserve them.

On to day two. This will likely be less filled with friends so it will likely be that much harder. Well, here's to happiness, yours and mine. Despite everything that's happened, despite everything my friends tell me, I still care about you and I still love you and I still want you to be happy.

Smile and be happy.

One day you’ll want him again, but he wont be there. One day you’re going to want that boy. The boy that knew he wasn’t perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. That boy who still can’t bring himself to hate you even though at times you probably deserved it. That boy who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else has ever appreciated. The boy who realizes he may never have your heart again but will carry the image of you with him forever. The boy that sees this and still loves you. The boy that waited and waited for you to change your mind. The boy who finally gave up; just like you told him too. The boy that should have you, but doesn’t even think he deserves you.

I think tonight's a good night to look for a bridge to jump off of.

Major

With every step forward comes at least two steps back. Maybe three or four this time.

Man did I fuck up.

Like Like

"I'm nothing without you" is a fucked up sentiment.

And yet...

That's exactly how I feel.

Not So

It's been a while since I sang my voice out like I did today. Driving aimlessly in the cool of the afternoon, you were stuck square in the centre of my mind. I didn't want to pester you endlessly, so I decided to sing. I sang to you. Words from my heart, I sent them your way. Words sung until my throat dry, my voice hoarse. And I imagined you singing with me. Singing the same words back to me. Foolish, I know. But a guy can dream, can't he?

Oh how this guy can dream.

I'm Just Saying

It's fine by me if you never leave.

Engrave

Wow. I can't... Just... Wow.

I couldn't have imagined anything better.

I'm speechless.

Thank you.

Finally

You did it. You finally did it. I hoped and prayed that you would do it and you finally did. It's such a small thing really, but it was always there, in the back of my mind.

Every time you walked towards me to hug me, my inner dialogue kicked in. "Is this it? Is she finally going to do it?" Today was no different. I walked away from my house and towards your car. You saw me and got out, a huge smile on your face. You ran towards me. My heart pounded in my chest. You jumped. I caught you. Held you.

Call me a nerd, call me a doofus, call me anything. That one moment, that one action, made my week. No. My month. You jumped to hug me and I caught you and held you. It felt like real magic. It felt like real happiness.

I say it all the time but you really proved me right this time. You really are the best.

Cannot

Sitting across from me, your face is illuminated by you phone as your fingers type away furiously. I can't take my eyes off you. A small smile slowly creeps it's way onto your face as you read the ongoing conversation. That smile is mirrored on my own face. This is bliss. I could sit here watching you forever. Your elegance and beauty are beyond words.

Finally, you look up. That smile finally breaks free completely.

"What?", you ask.

"Nothing", I lie. My own smile widening in tandem. You know damn well what. I love that you pretend not to. You love the attention and I love giving it. That could be good or bad, depending on who you ask.

We continue our meal and conversation, but this exact scenario repeats itself about five or six times. Even when we're hanging out in the car before you have to leave. You stare off I to space but I couldn't drag my eyes from you if I tried. You are so beautiful.

I just cannot keep my eyes off you.

Extremes

You have no idea what you do to me.

Best

A friend once told me that I deserve better than you. True or not, it makes no difference. There is no one better.

Probably Not

A realisation. I have come to realise that all the fake smiles and forced laughter is starting to wear me down. I am no longer happy. Sorrow creeps through the cracks of my too often broken heart and drips down into my soul. Tears too often shed come so easily now. My days are filled with utter sadness and my nights with crushing loneliness. Is there no end to this misery? No cure?

You push me away. You pretend like everything is like it once was, but I see through the veil of your smile. You pretend like I never meant anything to you. Like I never caused uncontrollable smiles to crease your face for entire days at a time. Like you never said to me, "I'm glad you came". Like nothing I did mattered.

I don't know what to do. I've done everything I can to show you what you mean to me and I'll keep trying. And no matter what happens, I will always want you in my life. That's a near unconditional promise. But maybe this is one of those "you don't know what you until it's gone" kind of situations. If/when you cut me out, maybe you'll realise what you lost.

Maybe.

Though you may not be anymore, I am still glad you came, you still take the breath right out of me, and it's still fine by me if you never leave.

Everything Ever

Sometimes I ask myself the strangest questions. "What would I do if I had an accident and lost an arm?" "How different would I be if I were another ethnicity?" "What would the world be like if dinosaurs still existed?"

These are just some of the more obnoxious examples of the questions I ask myself occasionally. But sometimes, as crazy as the question may be, it originated out of hope. And the question I'm about to reveal is one of those. One spawned by hope.

"What would I give up to be with you?"

Hmm. That's an interesting question. I thought about it for a bit but then the answer just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Anything. Everything. There's not one item I own that I wouldn't give up for you. There's not a friend on earth I wouldn't leave to be with you. There's not a home I wouldn't abandon to be with you.

I'm sorry of you don't want to hear that, but it's the simple truth.

Prison

I'm trapped inside my mind. I can't escape. I'm stuck in here with my thoughts. Pain and sadness. Sorrow and despair. I'm surrounded by it. Soaked in it. I need out. I need to escape.
God help me, I need out.

The Challenge

"You're right next to me. I wouldn't even have to extend my arm to touch you, you're so close. But I can't. Here, in this place, we can't be seen doing anything affectionate. I can't touch your back, caress your arm, kiss your cheek.

But you are right next to me. The desire to touch you, feel you, hold you, it is ever present and strong as ever. To be this close to you but not be able to make the slightest touch? It is maddening. There are a few moments where I catch myself halfway to reaching for you, almost to late to stop. Agony."

I wrote that a few weeks ago, when I went to a carnival with her, but it seems I forgot about it. In memory of that wonderful day, here it is.

Hours

When I close my eyes, I see you. When I sit in silence, I hear you. When the wind blows against my skin, I feel you. For seemingly no reason at all, I can almost always smell you.

But what I really want is to open my eyes and see you. I want to hear you whisper in my ear. Feel the warmth of your touch. I want your scent to never leave my lungs.

So if I could have just one wish, I would wish for you to be lying here next to me.

Isn't She Lovely

You're like the song stuck in my head that won't leave my mind no matter what I do. The one difference is that I like it when you're there.

Hey Journal

Journal entry for August 20, 2012.

Hey Journal,

I gotta tell you about this girl. She came into my world and blew me away. Almost literally. When I first started seeing her around work, it was amazing. She was so beautiful. Her face, her body, her hair. She had the whole package going on. Then I actually started talking to her here and there. Her voice was so sweet. Her laugh was like music. Her eyes were stunning. And then I got her number and we started really talking. That's when my mind exploded. She was so smart and funny and witty and intelligent! And she listened to me! And remembered what I said! No one ever did that!

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We got closer and closer until one day, she finally kissed me. My first kiss, to be precise. What an incredible girl! And she actually liked me! I was blown away. Every day that I got to see her smile was a good day.

Since then, things have changed a little. We've had many ups and downs, typically quite large in both directions. The downs were terrible and the highs were incredible.

But here's the real funny thing about her and me. These highs and lows just brought us closer together. It wasn't until after the fights and the arguments that we started to laugh. Laugh so hard that it was hard to breathe. And we could even talk about the bad shit that had happened and laugh about that too! Somehow, the problems we had made our relationship, whatever it was, stronger. And it made my love for her even stronger. Before you ask, no, I don't think it's a romantic love. Not yet. But I do love her. More than most.

I don't know what the future holds for the two of us. Whether we'll be together or apart, stay close or hate each other's guts. But I know one thing. The love I have for her won't go away. Not ever. It's too strong to dwindle.

She blows my mind and rocks my world. (Yes, I know that's horribly cheesy but I don't care.)

Perfect

You may not be perfect, but you're perfect for me. Absolutely perfect. And everything we've gone through? Well, you are worth it. That and a whole lot more. There is nothing I will not do for you.

How

How is it that when I see your smile it's like the first time I ever laid eyes on you? How is it that when I hear you laugh, it's like the first time I ever heard your voice? How is it that you are becoming more and more beautiful in front of my eyes? How is it that you still cause my heart to leap in my chest? How is it that you keep blowing my mind after all this time? How is it that you are this amazing?

Leader

I can't wait for you to come back. Maybe I'll get to talk to you. Then you can do what you always do.

Say exactly what I need to hear.

You'll spell things out in a way I never saw before. You'll make sense of a senseless situation. You'll bring order to my chaos. You will bring tears of shame to my eyes for how I have failed. You'll hug me and make the pain go away. You'll support me in every way you can.

I have never missed you so much in my life.

Hurry back. I need you.

Smiles

Your eyes. They pierce me. They look through my eyes and into my heart, into my soul. You look at me and I pour myself into your hands. I see the tears in your eyes through the tears in mine. The hope doesn't dwindle. A smile breaks through to your lips. The sun rises and dries the tears on your cheeks. I smile back. Thunder rolls in the distance. We smile on. The clouds draw closer. Still we smile. Rain drops. Smiles. You turn around. My gaze does not drop from you. The storm darkens the sun. Tears form again in your eyes. With tears in my eyes, I smile on. Strength eludes me. My smile fades. You turn away again. The sun comes out.

There's always a smile in my heart. I suspect in yours too.

Sunshine

Good morning.

How did you sleep?

I'm sorry.

Blurred Vision

Here's a song from my childhood that fits me quite well today.

Shouldn't Be Surprised

I forgot what it feels like when someone cares about you and cares for you. Then you came along. You really care, don't you? You care enough to go out of your way for me. You care enough to help me. You even care enough to get mad at me when I don't seem to care. I can't put it into words what that feels like. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for all that you do.
For all that you are.

Butterfly

What does it mean when your heart breaks for someone? When they hurt? What does it mean when you are sad because someone else is sad? When they feel pain?

And what does it mean when it makes you happy that they are happy? That they feel good? What does it mean when your own hurt feelings get forgotten because someone else is on top of the world?

I think that's called love. I think that's real love. Not infatuation. Not obsession. Real, down-to-earth love. I think that's as pure as it comes.

That's what I feel for you.

The. Most. Beautiful.

Sometimes I wonder... The things I say. Do they still mean to you what they meant to you two months ago? Do they still have the same effect? Or do they just roll off your back? Do they go in one ear and right out the other?

I suppose I can't blame you if that's the case. Between my "sorries" and the fact that I say the same things over and over, I can understand if they start to lose their meaning.

But I need you to know something. When I tell you how beautiful you are or how amazing you look, I've never been more sincere. You need to understand that you really are the most beautiful. Period.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Summer. The time of year every guy gets excited for. Why? The summer brings heat. And in that heat, the ladies wear less and less clothing.

Everywhere you look, there's a half naked woman walking down the sidewalk or waiting for the bus. Eye candy everywhere. And every one of them sexy as can be. But this summer I've noticed something different.

When I see these girls walking around for everyone to see, attractive as they are, all I can think about is you. About how much more beautiful you are. They really have nothing on you.

Your beauty is so much more than physical. Your mind makes you sexy. Your humour makes you tempting. Your intelligence makes you irresistible.

But I cannot count out your physical beauty. Your eyes, your lips, your breasts, your hips. There's not an inch of you that isn't the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And unlike these girls who show nearly everything, you don't have to show anything to far surpass any beauty they may have. I would choose you in Arctic expedition gear over any size zero girl in a bikini.

Is this my most eloquent writing? Not by a long shot. But I don't care. The more I think about you, the more I want to shout at the top of my lungs about how beautiful you are.

This post is megaphone.

Did I Wake You?

Just when I think you've run out of surprises, you go and call me out of the blue. How are you still blowing my mind?

One

What's the most beautiful thing on the planet? That's actually an intense question. The earth is packed full of exquisite beauty. How can someone possibly narrow it down to one thing?

Mountain ranges. Forests. Beaches. Jungles. Savannahs. Deserts. Oceans. Clouds. Sea creatures. Birds. Land animals. There is an endless list of things contained on this planet that hold incredible beauty, but only one stands above them. Only one puts them all to shame.

You.

Promise

The look on your face when I promise not to text you is priceless. A mix of shock and sorrow. My heart leaps in it's cage. I take the promise back and the relief in your eyes is astounding.

You blow me away.

Fonder

A chill runs down my spine. You are almost too beautiful for me to handle. My heart leaps at the sight of you. Your smile is so bright. I see teeth from ear to ear as I walk up to your car. You get out and jump towards me, arms open wide. I reach you and we embrace. You hold me as tight as you can. I squeeze right back. We say things to each other in that moment but I don't remember what. And it really doesn't matter. Once I have you in my arms, once you have me in yours, everything feels right. There is a smile on my face that couldn't go away if I tried.

Your voice and your laugh are all I hear. Your eyes are all I see. You skin, your body is all I feel. I take you in. You instill a longing in me. A longing to simply hold you. Hold you until time itself falls away into nothing. Simply being here with you is enough to make every problem, every bit of stress just disappear. I could stay here with you forever.

But life must go on. We pull away and say our goodbyes. Parting is such sweet sorrow, of course. But as I walk away, smile still permanently stapled to my face, I can't help but remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I think it's impossible for this heart to grow any more fond of you, my darling.

Help!

I've fallen for you and I can't get up!

Homemade

Take two bikes. Mix well with a nice trail. Stir in you and me and bake under the sun for three hours. Optional: drizzle on top a shady spot hidden in the trees and a blanket in the grass. Leaves an excellent aftertaste.

9 Hours

"What would you like to do?"

Never has such a simple question carried so much potential, so much freedom. With a full tank of gas and an entire day to ourselves, we set out to... Well, it didn't matter what we did. We were going to spend time together and that's what we really wanted to do.

Lake. Sun. Grass. Blanket. You. I had it all. As I lay there staring into the sky, my head resting on your stomach, your hand playing with my hair, I remembered what it felt like to be happy. Weeks had gone by without your touch, without your laugh, without the you I had come to love. But there you were. Right there on that blanket with me. Nothing could have ruined that moment.

And there was something more, too. For once, we had no clock ticking above our heads. No quickly approaching curfew. No time to be home with the car. Just us. We could lay there until we decided to move. IF we decided to move. I would be happy if we were still there, lying beneath the sun, happy just to be.

I think a part of me is still there. Still resting my head on your stomach, staring into the sky. A part of me still feels your hand on my face, in my hair. That's how I want us to be. Carefree and happy. Content in just being together.

Here's to finding more grass on which to lay our blanket.

<4

Reminder

Do you know what reminds me of you? A lot of things, actually. But one thing in particular caught my attention today as I was driving. The clouds remind me of you. Yes. The clouds. You know why.

But it really made me think. I wish I could fly. I wish I could soar through the sky like a bird. I wish so I could pick you up and soar with you. Higher and higher, until we rise above the clouds and see them as the sun sees them. I wish you could see the beauty of them, just as I see the beauty of you.

The sky. It sits there, an ever present reminder of you, and yet, it pales in comparison. When I see you, the sky may as well not exist, for your beauty can never be matched.

Hug

I almost forgot what it was that makes me smile. How could I ever forget you?

Tomorrow

If tomorrow I had to die, I would spend today with you.

Eye

I remember you walking in that day. It was cold outside and you were bundled up in your long black jacket and one of your many scarves. You looked stunning. We talked for a couple minutes before you left to start your work and I continued mine.

At the end of the day, I probably stared at that phone on the wall for a good six minutes before I found the courage to pick it up and call your extension.

Your voice. My heart jumped. Inside I was panicking, but somehow, outside I was calm and collected.

I did it. I asked you for your number. And you gave it! That astounded me. I got to the car and sent you a text so you'd have my number. We exchanged a couple joke texts before you went back to work and I went home to sleep.

Later that day, after I had slept, my phone rang. It was you. Our of the blue, and for no reason except to chat. I was soaring through the clouds. Talk about being blown away. You got my number and you sent me a text? You started the conversation? No girl has ever done that. Not with me. Not ever.

I was definitely smiling like a doofus that day.

You say you want to meet a guy like in the movies? Blow him away as soon as you meet him? Make him think about you day and night? Turn him into a blithering idiot when you're on his mind?

Well, scratch that off your bucket list. It already happened.

Darling

My Darling,

First and foremost, I love you. Above everything else, that will always remain the same. Promise.

I'm a bit of a pain, aren't I? I'm frustrating, problematic, and dramatic, just to name a few. I'm nowhere near perfect and the good days aren't always worth the bad. Because of this, my dear, I am going to ask something of you. I need you to help me be a better man, to be a better friend.

When you are angry, when you are frustrated, when you are sad, when you are happy, when you are excited, when you are miserable, when you are tired, when you are at your wits end, I ask you to do one thing.

Tell me.

When you feel any of these, when I have caused you to experience these emotions, I need you to tell me. Communication and trust are the backbone of a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, how will I know to stop? If I don't know what I'm doing right, how will I know to continue? That much is your responsibility. I count on you to tell me these these things just as much as you count on me to tell you the same of myself. I want nothing to come between us.

The point I'm trying to make, my precious, is that I an here to make you happy. I am here to make you laugh and smile like a doofus. Please help me do that. You deserve nothing less.

After all is said and done, I love you. No words or actions by anyone could ever change that.

With all my love,

Theodore

Indicative of Love

What are these tears for? I'm not sure that I know anymore. I think I used to, but now, not quite. All day, it's a struggle to hold them back, to keep a smile on my face and go about my life. So I work. I don't stop. If I keep going, maybe I won't remember that my walls are about to crumble. Finally, my body gives out, beaten down in exhaustion. Thoughts stacked upon thoughts stacked upon compiled thoughts race through my mind. The tears break through my defences. But even these tears can't compete with this exhaustion and I drift into sleep.

I wake. I jump up and stumble back to work. I'm not quite awake yet. The remainder of the shift goes by in a blur. Then I talk to you; start feeling better. Maybe these tears will go away after all. But leave it to me to fuck up, as usual. I try to help, try to do the right thing, be a good friend, but all I do is fuck up.

The walls just shatter. My head hung in shame, sobs shake me and the tears fall to the floor. All happiness to see you evaporates. All excitement to eat breakfast with you at your desk disappears. Time and time again, I fail. I fall short of the most meager expectations. I feel useless, distraught and so helplessly alone. I am losing you and you're never going to want to come back.

But work goes on. I force the tears back, just above the edge. I push myself to keep going. Even so late in the shift, the work keeps coming. I have no choice but to soldier on.

Then, finally, I'm done. My day can come to a close. And then you walk in. So beautiful. No. Ravishing. Even now, you take the breath right out of me. In one moment of seeing you, I am flooded with months worth of memories of you and me, carefree and happy.

We talk in your office for a while, hurt feelings and annoyance barely hidden behind forced smiles and hollow laughter. I am happy to see you, but... It's not the same. You're not you. I'm not me. I don't recognise at all the two people talking. But you are enough to make the pressure of tears ease away. It still cheers me up to see you.

And then you drop your bomb.

It's just a few words, but it feels like you punched me in the chest. Almost literally. My heart aches at the strain. Anxiety rolls over me like a tidal wave. Walls already gone, the flood of ever-present tears forces it's way to the surface. In the midst of such a brutal assault of emotion, I realise what such a physical reaction is indicative of. I need to escape.

I make a quick goodbye and hurry out without looking at you. I barely make it to my car before the tears break through again. Before the sobs come and turn me into a withering heap. The drive home is unbearably long. I sit in my driveway for even longer.

Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not allowed to be happy? I didn't ask for much, did I? Why does no one give a damn about me? I could go on. These questions are racing through my mind constantly now. Why?

Fuck, I love you.

4/14

I keep thinking of it. Keep remembering it. Our history, that is. It's not a very long one by any standards. But it certainly is an eventful one. Full of highs and lows, twists and turns, loops and spirals. The two months we've been together would make for a very exciting roller coaster. But two high points always come back to my mind before all the others.

Remember that day on the island? In all our good times, even the times we've had lately, I don't think any compete with that day. Our long walk, the bridge, the pier, the picnic table, the boat. I can't wait to take you back to that bridge. There's one moment I want to recreate. But every aspect of that day was incredible. I was sad to see it end, but the memory will forever bring a smile to my face.

Fast forward a few weeks. Remember that day you dressed in your red polka-dotted dress? Mini golf, chicken wings, the car. Memory number two that will always cause a smile to crease my face. Every tiny detail still stands out to me. That spot at the top of the stairs before the seventh hole will send chills through my spine every time I pass by. The spot where I found you again. I smile like a goofy idiot just thinking of that day.

So here's to you; to us. Whether we last forever, or not even to the end of this post, let us look back on these memories and smile. Smile like goofy idiots.

Oh, and by the way, please take special note of the title. You should get that one.

Wet Blanket

There aren't many things on this planet that I find more beautiful than a sky full of clouds. Lying on a blanket in the park, I stare up into the sky at the puffy, white mountains, losing myself in their graceful beauty. But they can't hold my attention long. I have something, someone, down here on the ground with me. Someone much more beautiful than any cloud.

I lower my gaze from the sky to look at you. With your head on my shoulder and your eyes closed, you are more stunning than I ever thought it possible for a person to be. My heart jumps in my chest. I can't believe I'm really here. I can't believe you're really here. With me.

A myriad of emotions wash through me. The strongest feeling of those I recognise is determination. Determination to never hurt you. Determination to never make you cry. Determination to never lose you. No matter what, I cannot let that happen.

I put my arm around you and you snuggle in closer to me. I look back up to the sky. But I don't see clouds. I don't see blue sky.

All I see is you.

$15

You know the little stubs of paper they give you to put in your windshield when you park in a lot downtown? I have one of those stubs. It's in my wallet now. It's not good for parking anymore. It has served it's designed purpose. But it has a new purpose in my possession. It is a reminder. It is itself a memory. It is the last remnant of my last day with you.

But I wish I had something more. I wish I had a piece of that bridge. I wish I had the stone you were standing on when you kissed me. That kiss. The first of our last. That moment lasted forever and not long enough.

I wish I had a piece of that pier. You were so scared of the water meters below, but your fear seemed to melt away when I held you. It disappeared completely when I kissed you, even when I leaned you out over the railing. How could I ever forget that?

I wish I had a piece of that bench. The first sunset I ever sat and watched from downtown was right there with you. And standing in front of you sitting on that bench, holding you, kissing you... It brings such a mixture of fondness and sadness. But I will always cherish that moment.

I wish I had a piece of that boat. You were so cold and you wanted to go downstairs to get away from the water, but you stayed with me because I wanted to enjoy the air as we floated along. Rubbing your arms to warm you up may have been futile, but it was the last time I ever held you as we were then. I'll carry that to my grave.

I wish I had a piece of you. It sounds weird, maybe even sick, but I wish i could have a part of you to keep with me forever as a reminder of the time of my life.

But I do have a piece of you, don't I? You left an imprint on my heart, my Pumpkin. You left your mark on me. Yes, it created a deep scar that will take something major to heal, but it's you, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not the entire fucking world.

Back in the Day

Remember the old days? Remember going down to William's Cafe and chatting over smoothies and waffles? Remember the horribly embarrassing night at Starbucks? Remember e-mail after e-mail after e-mail that lasted for years? Remember a friendship that was rivalled by none other?

Today, I had a taste of it again. We were working on a big project and both of us were stressed and getting frustrated with people, and we even snapped at each other, but it was such a good day. Jokes without thoughts of how not to offend. Laughter like we had not a care in the world. Eye contact without crushing shame. It was such a good day.

Remember the old days? Going to see the big movies that were out at the time? Hanging out quoting the Simpsons, Family Guy and South Park? Walking to the mall for lunch every week? All those times of laughing and just enjoying each other's company?

You too, my old buddy. We laughed and joked and talked with each other like we used to so long ago. You looked at me and I didn't want to crawl away and die. You laughed at my jokes like you used to and I felt proud of it. You felt to me like the best buddy of old.

And the end of our day together was the best part of it. The last to leave, we walked and laughed and truly enjoyed each other's company. Our apologies for snapping were so sincere and heartfelt. Our well-wishes for the week were genuine and unforced. I walked away happy and feeling like life was turning up.

Thank you my dear friends. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

Reach

What do you do to me? When I see you, the rest of my day is filled with thoughts of you.

Your laugh is the sweetest music ever sung. The mere thought of you makes my heart jump in my chest. Your beauty is the stuff of legends. If I could sit and just stare at you forever, I would die a happy man.

Some day this cage of flesh and bones will not be enough to stop my heart from reaching you.

Worth Living

Love and pain. Two distinctly different feelings, but I can never seem to have one without the other. When love comes into my life, I can be sure that pain is not far behind. And when pain rears its ugly head, it's just a reminder of a love that couldn't survive the tempest of life.

Would I change it if I could? Could I if I would? To deny love or pain would be to deny living. It would be to deny learning, experience and change. I am not the same person I was a decade ago, five years ago or even just a year ago. Love and pain have formed me into the man sitting in front of this keyboard. To take away either would be to take away a part of myself. No, I think I will keep my pain and my love.

I think I will keep myself.

Montana

It coils around my throat. It pours into my lungs. I gasp for air. I find nothing. Panic sets in. I writhe in agony, flailing out at you with tear-filled eyes. I see pain in your face, but you turn away, unable to help me. Panic turns cold as I realise there is no one who can help me. It presses against me from every direction. It's everywhere. It taunts me with thoughts of you. I feel you touch my skin. I smell you on my clothes. I taste you on my lips. Your words echo through my head. Your face fills my vision. Beside you I am helpless to act. What was once as natural as breathing has been ripped from my hands, stolen from me before I could have possibly had my fill. Now I am alone, drowning in a sea of sorrow, isolated from all traces of warmth, happiness and love. It floods me with cold familiarity, but I struggle on. Hard facts don't stand a chance against the kind of hope I have for a future with you.Hope that keeps me going. It will probably kill me in the end, but for now, it's all I have to stand on.

Struggle

You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be.

Excerpt from Breath by Breaking Benjamin

Pumpkin

"I can smell you on my clothes." "I can taste you on my lips."

I always thought those were figures of speech. Lines used in songs to show meaning or add impact. That was, until I met you. Until I held you in my arms. Until I kissed you.

I drove around for an hour today, your scent filling my lungs, your taste gliding across my tongue. I couldn't escape you. Windows down, pedal to the floor, nothing would get rid of you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I let the wind fill my ears and I shut off my music. It was distracting me anyway. I want nothing to take away from my thoughts of you. You assault my senses. I smell you, taste you. Hear you whisper in my ear, feel you pressed against my chest. I see your eyes staring into mine.

Goosebumps.

When I will get to see you again, I don't know. But as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and you have been absent for far too long.

Matter of Fact

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you
Matter of fact
I'm on your back


If you'd accept surrender
I'll give up some more
Weren't you adored
I cannot be without you
Matter of fact
I'm on your back


If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you


Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back


I cannot be without you
Matter of fact
I'm on your back


If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you


Walking After You by the Foo Fighters